Are Kids Crazy?

This is Aaron jumping over his sister Sarah on his skateboard last night.
(No ramp because that's for pussies.)
Are they both nuts to try this stunt?
Or are their mother, 2 aunts and grandmother insane for letting
them do it?
Twice.
What about Aunt Syl who actually let him jump over her, too?
(Because of peer pressure, and she's old enough to know better.)
(Click On It!)
Looks like 'Uncle' Zzakk is the only one in this bunch
with any sense. Knowing he has no power of veto, he quietly
bags the shot and laughs all the way to the blog.

Fairdale Apartments

Just after sunset one day I found myself back on the other
side of town, near the apartments where I used to live.
Made up of one-story duplexes, this place was VERY
affordable and there was a convenience store 40 feet from
my front door, so cold beer was...convenient.
On the downside, the place was an absolute shithole.
I suppose it was fine for those who like having someone knock on
their door at 3am trying to sell crack cocaine.
Then there was the random gunfire, toothless people who
try to talk to you but you can't understand what they're saying.
Can YOU sleep soundly when there are patched bullet holes in the
wall?
It's hard to believe I spent 6 years there.
My apartment was haunted by a violent spirit, too. I have four witnesses, and scars.

Possom Kingdom

Rather common around here, but disgusting nonetheless.
Come on, a marsupial in Texas? With a prehensile tail?
With the endearing habits of digging through the trash
or nosing around the patio door while you're trying to
watch TV?
No thanks.
This specimen was half a meter in length, and smelled
like ass. And she dropped a litter of babies so we get
to deal with her bad habits for years to come.
(Click on the picture to get a closer look at the giant rat.)

Reason #59

Why I always have my camera with me.
When you're going into the pharmacy you
want to look your best, so those neck hairs must go!
Shot through two car windows, but it's plain enough
what's going on, especially with this new version.
Please click on the thumbnail for the full-size evidence.

'Tis The Season...

...for ugly holiday sweaters.
Usually a hand-made gift from your grandmother, so you're
obligated to wear it on Christmas Day and when you visit her.

Why is this worthy of Zzakk's Garage you ask?
Because I shot this several weeks before Christmas.
In a bar.

So it looks to me like this fool just likes his sweater.
The women avoided him all night but I doubt he cared,
if you know what I mean.

SONY Steps In Shit

This cartoon was in my newspaper the same day that
The State Of Texas filed a lawsuit against SONY
for including nasty SpyWare on their music CDs.
When played in the CDROM of a Windows computer
that doesn't have 'Auto-Run' disabled the disc will
install a small program that contacts the mothership
(Sony) and tells them if you have illegally copied the
music files, shared them on the web, or otherwise
violated some copyright law.
Big Brother Indeed!
But even worse is the fact that sloppy work by the
spyware's author enables hackers to exploit it and
attack computers belonging to the unknowing people
who's only mistake was to play a fucking Celine Dion disc
while surfing for inspirational websites that chronical
the successes experienced by the copper-bracelet
crowd.
It's sad that the only assholes who are going to lose
their jobs over this are the incompetent programmers
who botched the code and clued everyone in on the fact
that the corporate world plays hardball, and we all suffer
for it as often as we benefit.

Sony is offering replacement discs if you need one.
Consider yourselves warned.

Birdwatching

Another new hobby of mine is birdwatching, or
"Birding", which is the term preferred by those
of us who engage in this thrilling pasttime.
Nothing compares to lurking in the damp bushes
armed with binoculars, camera, Peterson's Field Guide,
and some beef jerky and beers. Body-checking the
retired guy who's spot you've just stolen...
You never know what never-before-seen species will reveal
itself and allow you to make a checkmark (Pencil only, please!)
in your birding logbook.
I'm getting hard just thinking about it!
Well, here's my crowning glory. The bird photo that's
going to make me famous.
Sheer perfection.

Beat That, Gramps!!

Caution

I could have taken a more interesting and dynamic image of this small artillery piece, but out of respect for my more extreme left-leaning visitors I decided to present this version.
The sign reminds those unfriendly towards firearms to proceed with caution lest they accidentally enjoy themselves when something cool like this goes off.

Highjacked Vacation Photos

A relatively new hobby of mine is to steal other people's
vacation snapshots.
When the latest wing of the Alamo was recently opened
there were hundreds of tourists and locals on hand,
with their cameras, capturing memories with the help
of all the actors in period costumes roaming the grounds.
Here, I caught a different angle on the photo some guy
is showing to his family and friends of 'Mrs. Some Guy'
posing with a real gosh-darn Indian.
As seen in the background, I'm not the only one who
is fascinated by the photos other people take.

Is This Wrong?

It's finally fall here in South Texas, so raking
and blowing and bagging leaves is part of every
homeowner's weekly ritual.
We already felt that the lawn and leaf bags that
look like jack-o-lanterns were stupid, but this takes
stupidity to a whole new level.
Do your religious beliefs include having your Savior's
name on trash bags just so you can leave them on your
lawn to "spread the word"? Is this really a good idea?
I wonder what Jesus would have to say about this.
Personally, I would be pissed off but then of course
I would have no choice but to forgive the poor misguided
souls who participated in every phase of this endeavour,
from coming up with the idea to marketing, selling and
buying these horrible and insulting abominations.
Hopefully, I'll be forgiven, too.
After all, I'm being an angry dick towards my fellow man
and condemning them in public when I really don't have
the right to do so.
Does any of this fall into the category of taking
the Lord's name in vain?

(I'll have you know that this was the single most
difficult post I have ever made. Your comments are needed
to help me figure things out.)

Pretentious PhotoBloggers

There are a TON of photoblogs
on the internet, and some are pretty good.
And some are pretentious as hell, which makes me sick.
They refuse to caption or even title their photos, so
you have no earthly idea where they took it or what the hell
you're even looking at.
To them, this helps elevate their work to ART.
"I want my work to stand on it's own, without the crutch
of using words."
Well, I say that's crap, and that these "photographers"
are all ego and style with zero substance.
Just zooming way in and/or cropping out all identifiable
features doesn't make it art either, unless the composition,
subject matter, technique, and editing makes it so.
So get over yourselves, and type a few words about your
photos, you pretentious bastards!

A Good Home

When I saw that this puppy was reading the
Real Estate section of the Sunday newspaper,
I knew that he was a real go-getter who would
manage to find a good home.



Like over a hundred of his fellow dogs, many of whom
were brought to San Antonio by the Humane Society
after the hurricanes, he was adopted this day.

Free Expression

Bumper stickers are one of the few outlets for
free speech that haven't been ruined by
political correctness.
But that doesn't make what people put on their
vehicles any more valid than the stupid things
they say everywhere else.
Case in point:

Gangbangers, Thugs & Punkasses

We all despise them, right?
Be honest.

This should warm your heart, seeing them in cuffs
after being busted on a joyride in what was most
likely a stolen car.
They're putting up a tough front now, but the crying
will start soon after lights-out at the jail.
Take it like a man, bitches.

Zzakk's Garage On Halloween

There was a ghoul in the garage.
Go ahead, ask him if you can borrow tools.
I dare you.

The Velvet Rope

Here's a crappy old photo that illustrates an important point.
We need to bring back The Velvet Rope.

From the way the sign is pointing, I AM behind
the yellow line.
And if I 'stand behind yellow line' far enough,
I'll get run over by a train.
If we went back to using The Velvet Rope, like in
the classy restaurants and movie theaters of our
parent's era, everyone would be safe.
The sheer opulence of the brass-on-iron stanchions
coupled with the luxurious authority of the thick
velvet rope itself guarantees that the unwashed masses
will line up all nice and tidy, on the correct side of
the tracks.
(And maybe in the convenience store, too.)

You see, this dumb sign was too easy to move.
The whole velvet rope system is too heavy
and cumbersome for some part-time employee to bother moving
it to the wrong place without a damn good reason.

Alley Grafitti

Found these in the same alley off Broadway.
I can picture some drunkass idiot waking up with
vague memories of talking to an eight-foot-tall
alien prostitute.

Welcome

Waiting at the station for your Amtrak train to move out?
Hungry?
Tough Shit.

Gorilla Spice

Ever see a girl who tries very hard to put together
a trendy outfit, but fails miserably?
The kind of get-up that sends the other girls into
fits of giggles, and sends the guys in the other
direction?
I humbly submit to you that the proper name for
such poor creatures is 'Gorilla Spice'.

As far as drinking games, naming the Seven Dwarfs the
fastest is out.
Naming the Spice Girls is in.
Let's see: Sporty, Posh, Ginger, Scary, Baby and Gorilla.
Seven seconds.
Damn, I'm good.

Isolation

Listening to music with headphones seems to cut one off
from their surroundings.
This guy never knew there was an attack-squirrel
within striking distance.

Stencil Grafitti Again

Just found some new gems on metal infrastructure boxes downtown.
They look like the work of the same artist to me, but what do I know?

City Government Silliness

San Antonio's Code-Compliance department has
a mascot! A guy in a city codes book costume!
I can't begin to imagine the reasons for this,
and if the 'what the fuck' look on this kid's face
is any indication, nobody else gets it either.


Sometime this week while I wasn't looking,
Zzakk's Garage passed the 1000 visits milestone.
When you consider that I don't link to this site
from any of my others, or from my signature on
the various discussion forums I visit, the popularity
of Z's G is astonishing to me.
The number of repeat visitors is climbing faster than I
could reasonably expect, and I don't even know how
you people found this place, beyond the dozen or so friends
I personally invited.
Unlike Views of Texas, my main photoblog, I don't even
try to post my best photos here. Instead this site
gets my mildly humorous rejects.
Anyone care to explain the success to me, or tell me
how you got here?

Anti-Pigeon Agenda

Clearly some downtown businesses feel that well-fed
pigeons are detrimental to profits.
So we have dumb signs and the occasional ratty, hungry
bird lurking outside ready to exact revenge.

Poop 'em good, birdy!

Settle Down, Girls

A recent message received by a band member:

The Origin Of Zzakk's Garage

In 1980 I made this little sign and put it up in my apartment
in Clifton Park, New York. I was visiting Texas while my brother
worked on his Triumph Bonneville motorcycle in my kitchen.
After we both moved back here it went up in our garage, where he
pursued his various hobbies while I practiced new songs for my band,
late into the night.
Many cold beers and stuff were enjoyed, and our guests always had
fun and maybe learned a thing or two.
He kept the sign all these years, and I named this
site in honor of those days gone by.

Let Me Out

(Another one of my photos that was shot from the open window of
a car).
The blonde kid in the middle was dorking-out, and his friend was
looking so completely embarrassed that I got the camera ready.
When he finally looked at me I took the shot, then he realized how busted he was and started to laugh.

Dog Butt

I apologize for this in advance, but the story must be told.
Here is a picture of the worst ass I have ever seen
on a living thing in my entire life:

Her name is D O G, pronounced Dee Oh Gee.
At 13 years of age she has her problems, just like everyone.
Hip dysplasia, seborrhea, itchy butt, some recent
bite wounds to the head...the usual for most of us, right?
But D O G never complains. Hell no.
What makes her extra-special to us all is that D O G is a
Hurricane Rita Evacuee from the Galveston Texas area.
I like her because she's a good dog every minute of the year.
And she's family.
But her butt is the worst on the planet.
You should come see it.

Mayor Punkass

When the voting closed at 7pm on election day I realized
that campaign signs are suddenly just so much trash,
free for the taking.
Knowing that it would come in handy someday I grabbed
one of (Loser) Julian Castro's signs and tossed it into
Zzakk's Garage.
After all of the international media coverage of San Antonio's
magnificent efforts to help the survivors of Hurricane Katrina
I realized just how comforting it was to see Mayor Hardberger
on the TV screen, in his relaxed old Texan manner, assuring
the world that everyone who needs our help will get it.
Can you imagine Julian Castro inspiring any confidence at all?
This youngster would have produced a shitload of soundbites
making San Antonio look like a city full of idiots.

Busted Head

A title like that ought to bring in some freaks
doing sick google, yahoo and msn searches.
Sorry guys, it's just a busted sprinkler head.

Wasting water like this makes me sick. There's
only so much in the (vast) Edwards Aquifer,
and we need to conserve every drop because...
what's that?...a hurricane is coming?
So you're saying I won't have to water my lawn for
three weeks, and the aquifer is going to fill to the top
again?
And a bunch of folks are going to lose everything
they have, and maybe die?
Hmmm.
Maybe I can relax my tight-assed water theories and
admit that it's a renewable resource in this part of
Texas, just like coyotes, cattle and corn.

Y'all be careful out there.
If evacuation is recommended, just go. Now.

Godspeed, my fellow Texans!

RUN!

Chickenshits.
There's plenty of time.

Fire Line

A house burned down near here recently, and I could
see from the street that there were a shitload of
great photo-ops in the wreckage.
But the authorities put up the 'fire line' tape, so
like a good boy I didn't hop the fence.
And when I say "good boy" I mean idiot.

Snow?

Believe it or don't, but we found snow on Sunday the 11th.
In San Antonio.
In September.
Outdoors.
I made a perfect wet snowball and threw it really far.

None of the snow was 'yellow', but some of it was dirty.
There weren't any Bigfoot prints in it either.

Surprise!

I was shooting several trains working an area
just south of downtown, and lost track of this one.
I was a little freaked-out when he reappeared
around the side of a building, but I kept my
composure and got my exposure.

TacoBell Sauce

First let me say that we LIKE TacoBell.
It's a good value, always tastes the same, and is simple
decent food.
Now, don't think we don't know what real Mexican food is
all about. It's in our blood, and while we enjoy the
excellent fare at Jacala's, Don Pedro's, and Los Barrios
among others, family recipes from Mexico and the Rio Grande
Valley mean that the real deal gets cooked at home, too.
To us TacoBell isn't Mexican food. It's just fast food.
We make our own fresh salsa, too, but there's something
about TacoBell Sauce that's often just the thing
to bring a burrito to life, so whenever we go there we bring
home extra packets.
Until now.
Soon after the cute sayings were added in a copy of
Heinz Ketchup's recent marketing ploy, we noticed that the
local Bell has gotten stingy, and now keeps the sauce packets
behind the counter. You have to ASK for the damn things.
This sucks big time, and we're pissed off about it.
How are we to know whether we feel like mild, hot or "fire"
ahead of time? What if you just want one more, but the counter
help is busy? Talk about a pain in the ass!
But there's another reason we're upset. We used to bring extras
home to use on home-cooked meals. That's probably why they
don't let people grab their own anymore: too many of us abused
the privilege.
So of course we were happy to find out that The Bell now
sells their sauce at the grocery store, but there's still
a problem.
You see, we need the packets anyway.
Why?
Because on Halloween, we go all out. Strobes, a smoke machine,
real torches, sound effects, a grave, flying skeletons, rats,
spiderwebs, a scary costume for me to startle them with,
two bloody witches answering the door, etc.
It's like one of those haunted houses you can pay to visit, and
we scare the kids so badly that they literally piss their pants.
And we give out the most, best candy in the neighborhood, too.
What does this have to do with TacoBell Sauce?
Well, after going to all this trouble to give the children a
Halloween to remember, we only ask for one thing in return.
We just want them to bust out with a decent "Trick or Treat!".
That's it.
So when we open the door and some kid holds out his bag
and stares at us without saying his line, well that little idiot
gets no treats. They get tricked!
A couple of TacoBell Sauce packets are the right size, and make
a convincing "plop" when you drop them into the candy bag.
We laugh like crazy imagining the look on their faces when they
get home and find taco sauce instead of the Reeses cups and
Snickers bars that were plainly seen in our big candy bowl.
So we need a couple dozen more sauce packets before the big day,
and now it looks like getting them is not going to be as easy
as it used to be.
And frankly, McDonald's ketchup just isn't as funny.

Honeybee Day

Similar to Groundhog Day.
The bee saw her shadow, so we're in for
six more weeks of brutal summer heat.
This sucks.

End Of Track

A rather useless notice for the general public,
and of limited use to train crews because by
the time you can read the sign it's way too late.
The yellow devices on the rails are there to keep
Union Pacific's property from accidentally rolling
off the 'End Of Track' and getting lost in the bushes.

Holy Crap!

This past weekend saw several racecars leave
the tracks and fly into the stands, with
fatal results.
So I was lucky.

Signs Signs Everywhere...

But I like how this photo turned out.
It was hard to get them all in the frame while retaining
some semblance of a decent composition, especially when
I'm constrained by my own self-imposed format of a
640x480pixel image.

Seven Little Bastards

Hi-Ho My Ass.
I know what you did to that poor girl.

And now look where you are.
Being hung in some stupid bitch's back window
and getting insulted on my crappy photoblog.


In a couple of years used cars are going to be priced
according to how badly their paint got fucked-up
by the various stickers everyone has.
You'll save $300 for every unfaded section in
the shape of a ribbon.

Who Are These Guys?

Before the bicycle cops were created, downtown SA
was mucho scary at night.
They have made a huge difference, and I want
to thank them for all of their hard work.
It must suck to spend eight hours on the hot streets
dealing with all manner of douchebags, foreign and domestic.
Pedalling around and feeling kinda wussy in your spandex.
No Thanks!
Seriously, these guys are the true studs of law enforcement.

A Little Help?

Doritos for dinner doesn't cut it.

I need to get better at helping others.

More Grafitti Fun

A liberal with a spray-can gets their work
modified by a conservative with a screwdriver.
Kind of a Rock/Paper/Scissors thing?



On a boxcar we get a confession from some guy who
apparently masturbates to completion at strip clubs.
(Please submit your own caption/interpretation of this one.)

Gulp, Indeed

Thanks for pointing that out.