Friday, September 02, 2005

TacoBell Sauce

First let me say that we LIKE TacoBell.
It's a good value, always tastes the same, and is simple
decent food.
Now, don't think we don't know what real Mexican food is
all about. It's in our blood, and while we enjoy the
excellent fare at Jacala's, Don Pedro's, and Los Barrios
among others, family recipes from Mexico and the Rio Grande
Valley mean that the real deal gets cooked at home, too.
To us TacoBell isn't Mexican food. It's just fast food.
We make our own fresh salsa, too, but there's something
about TacoBell Sauce that's often just the thing
to bring a burrito to life, so whenever we go there we bring
home extra packets.
Until now.
Soon after the cute sayings were added in a copy of
Heinz Ketchup's recent marketing ploy, we noticed that the
local Bell has gotten stingy, and now keeps the sauce packets
behind the counter. You have to ASK for the damn things.
This sucks big time, and we're pissed off about it.
How are we to know whether we feel like mild, hot or "fire"
ahead of time? What if you just want one more, but the counter
help is busy? Talk about a pain in the ass!
But there's another reason we're upset. We used to bring extras
home to use on home-cooked meals. That's probably why they
don't let people grab their own anymore: too many of us abused
the privilege.
So of course we were happy to find out that The Bell now
sells their sauce at the grocery store, but there's still
a problem.
You see, we need the packets anyway.
Because on Halloween, we go all out. Strobes, a smoke machine,
real torches, sound effects, a grave, flying skeletons, rats,
spiderwebs, a scary costume for me to startle them with,
two bloody witches answering the door, etc.
It's like one of those haunted houses you can pay to visit, and
we scare the kids so badly that they literally piss their pants.
And we give out the most, best candy in the neighborhood, too.
What does this have to do with TacoBell Sauce?
Well, after going to all this trouble to give the children a
Halloween to remember, we only ask for one thing in return.
We just want them to bust out with a decent "Trick or Treat!".
That's it.
So when we open the door and some kid holds out his bag
and stares at us without saying his line, well that little idiot
gets no treats. They get tricked!
A couple of TacoBell Sauce packets are the right size, and make
a convincing "plop" when you drop them into the candy bag.
We laugh like crazy imagining the look on their faces when they
get home and find taco sauce instead of the Reeses cups and
Snickers bars that were plainly seen in our big candy bowl.
So we need a couple dozen more sauce packets before the big day,
and now it looks like getting them is not going to be as easy
as it used to be.
And frankly, McDonald's ketchup just isn't as funny.

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