Have A Smoking Christmas

Seen at The Rim tonight:
We could see the smoke from a quarter mile away.
Thought someone was BBQing.
Pulled up and found out that the tree has so many lights they brought in a generator to power them all.
Needs a tune-up.

Beer Babes

You saw it here first!
Pin-up girls on beer cans, courtesy the Miller Brewing Company.

When I spotted this interesting new development at HEB tonight, I could swear I heard the word slut sotto voce, but I bought them anyway.

A sixer of the same pose gets old pretty quickly, though.
I hope "variety packs" aren't more expensive.

Anyone caught whacking to a beer can will probably get a divorce but at least 27 high fives, 15 of which are done wrong where the initiator grabs the responder's fingers.
This is the main reason I love/hate watching Wheel Of Fortune...





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Comic Fun

Open to interpretation.
My thoughts run towards an indictment of our public schools.

Baby's ButtAid

I have no need for this product, but the packaging was irresistable.

Relief for the un-happy Butt!
I know someone with an unhappy butt--unfortunately zinc oxide won't help them.

Fun Vehicles From Around The Web

Apparently, Blogger has fixed the glitch that always used to post your photo uploads in reverse order.
Got to remember that.

Recycling Rejected

The trucks had already come to pick up recyclables, but they didn't take one of my neighbor's loads:

Broken Rule #1: According to the guidelines, lids must be closed.
Which let the driver discover Broken Rule #2: Sticks and leaves aren't wanted at the recycling center.

They would have gotten away with breaking #2 is they had only followed #1.
Just like driving drunk--if you respect the speed limit and use your signals and drive in a straight line (except on curves), you'll probably sleep at home instead of jail.

Spelling Disa(s)ter

Recent reciept from Northern Tools--we needed a new wheel for the handtruck.

Makes me wonder how they got screwed during some previous crisis to have to enact a specific policy re: pumps and saws and gens.

Call-Girl Barbie

I'm afraid that Mattel hasn't gotten the word that the USA is full of change up to our ears.
(Okay, the change only reaches our knees--let's be honest).
From the Barbie Basics™ line, the only black doll is also the only one with her tits hanging out.
At least she looks stylish in her basic attire.
You need a lot of expensive accessories to portray Streetwalker Barbie, although business must be bad because she's on clearance.



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Monte Carlo SS

This Chevy was for sale recently down the street from my 'hood.
The striking similarities to my Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme of the same period suggests 1985.
Our mom thought the Monte Carlo SS was just a little too muscular for a nice suburban lady so we settled on the very next best thing.
79,000 original miles, guys.
Hell, my Olds had more miles than that by '95!
Someone got a really sweet ride with this one--and if I wasn't looking for a truck right now this would have been the car of my dreams (if the price was right).
Unfortunately, I would have needed enough cash after the sale to buy some real wheels and especially tires.
The chromed Cragar mags are classic, but my Cutlass wore brushed aluminum American Racing wheels that were the simple dish type. Cragars were popular a little before my time.
And my cars (including a '77 Monte Carlo) always rode on Goodyear Eagles.
Back then, if you raced you used Eagles.
There was nothing else that rated consideration.
What the fuck is a Primewell?
Sounds like the crap you buy at PepBoys because you don't know any better.
"Ohhh--raised white letters! They MUST be cool!"
Uhhh...no.

Speaking of PepBoys/AutoZone:
Obviously, this car has a nice aftermarket stainless steel dual-exhaust system.
The factory system surely rusted-out years ago.
But the chrome exhaust tips in the Chevy BowTie design?
Uhhh...no.

I used to laugh at the guys who bought cars that were fast from the factory but too complicated for the average suburban dildo to work on himself.
They would wander around the big autoparts stores on Saturday looking to spend money on their fine ride, but not have a clue about camshafts and carburetors, springs and swaybars, locking lugnuts and lemon air fresheners.

So they would buy chrome license plate frames with simulated chains, an STP sticker (without knowing jack about Stone Temple Pilots), and the damned fuzzy dice.
Because they were players, dammit!
(Fuzzy dice, because you shoot craps all the time? Really?? REALLY??? More like Yahtzee, son).

I'm not saying I was a major gear-head, although I have done my share of wrenching.
But I never hung cheap-ass crap on my fine automobiles.
If an item didn't make it faster, corner more solidly, or make my tunes sound better, I ignored it.

Purity of design and function.
No bullshit bling on my guitars or guns, either.



Looking back on this year's posts, Zzakk's Garage is starting to lean solidly towards the subject matter that it's name might suggest.
Lots of cars in 2010!

Glad He's Not Driving

On NW Military between Loop 1604 and the Alon Market HEB at Wurzbach Pkwy, we were entertained by the antics of this drunk punk:

In all of recorded history, has yelling incomprehensibly at girls in other cars (or chariots) while waving your arms around ever worked?

I am Spartacus , and I got her number.

Good Luck, buddy!
Let us know how that works out.


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Real Men?

As a "real" man who happens to love Jesus, this truck offends me.

Is this meant to sway men who are on the fence as far as both Christianity and their sexual identity?
Appealing to their self-doubt doesn't seem like something Jesus would approve of.
He never used this tactic anywhere in the Bible that I can recall.

If someone doesn't believe, but then makes the leap based on seeing this truck, I'm afraid I have to doubt their sincerity.
This kind of stuff makes Christians look like idiots--on par with the loud and obnoxious "preachers" who make visiting the Alamo such an ordeal.

Proclaiming that real men love kittens isn't going to make someone who hates cats suddenly love them, so why would it work for something as serious as faith?

So annoying...



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Good Dogs, Bad Cats?

Those are the sayings, but it's not so simple.

Over several years of living in the same place, you might learn the names of your neighbor's pets.
Not all of them--for example, I don't care to learn anything about the 3 weinerdogs across the street because they're assholes.
I work in my yard all the time and really wish they would get used to it.
Shut up!
The new city trash barrels keep them from tearing open my garbage bags when they escape at night, which might be the best part of automated refuse pickup!


While watering last week this big fellow ran up to me, then hung around for 10 minutes or so.
Note the eyes.
Obviously not a Husky (there's a breeder around the corner) so I'm guessing Malamute or a Husky/Collie mix, but what the hell do I know about dogs?
His long hair flowed hypnotically with every step like some breeds at the Westminster Dog Show's main ring during the finals, so I was very impressed...until he maneuvered upwind of me.
This boy smelled!

Bad enough that I never touched him despite a strong desire to feel that fur.

Then he plopped-down on my wet grass, which couldn't have helped.
Bet he was running away from a bath when he found me.
Never learned his name, but probably will eventually.

(The photo doesn't really convey just how enormous this dog was).


This happened around midnight:
I heard a crash outside last night and did a window-peek.
Saw the trashed petunias, then caught a glimpse of a skinny cat shadow walking around our car.

There are two main suspects--Bucky and Willy.
Bucky has been featured here before, but at the time I had been mis-hearing his name when called for dinner as Lucky.
Interesting title on that link...a recent chat with his owner set me straight.

But I suspect it was Willy, Bucky's little brother by two or 3 litters who has been hanging around our house a LOT lately.
He spends his afternoons lounging in the grass in our backyard, then comes back late at night to sleep on a chair on our patio.
In fact, he's in the chair right now!

Willy's probably afraid of possums and deer and 'coons lurking in the dark on the sides of the houses in my 'hood, so he climbs our fence then jumps onto the roof and walks over to the front, where it's a short jump to the decorative brick wall that gives our sidewalk and porch some privacy.
We keep flowerpots on top of the wall, which makes it challenging for the cats.
A bad landing probably--hit the pot of petunias and scared himself silly.
No hard feelings, Willy.

I used to like Willy because he was silent, unlike his brother who won't shut his meow-hole if there's anyone around to listen.
But around 10pm tonight we were startled by something banging against our patio door, mere inches from the couch as we watched TV.
It was Willy hunting grasshoppers.
He also gets on the table under our porch light and goes after moths and geckos.
2 days ago I watched him play with a baby toad, and 2 months ago I saw him kill a lizard for fun and practice.

I guess the title should have been Smelly Dogs, Wild Cats.
For the record, I prefer the survival-oriented behavior of cats.

Yes And No

Very nice Camaro!
Clean, powerful, and from the era when I first fell in love with Detroit Muscle Cars.
Had the Hot Wheels car of this, but in dark blue paint.
I approve.




On closer examination, I'm conflicted.

LA Lakers fans are tools.



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RSVP ?

The three prime tables at RevRoom were already reserved when I got there.
Sloppily-torn strips of paper taped to the tables said so, written with a pen that'll never be accused of being bold.
Then these fine-ass folded signs were added, and they really hit the mark before sagging:


Yeah, it says "R S V P", which is French for Are you coming the fuck over or what? Let me know.
Ooops.





My actual problem is that the Reservers didn't show up until 11:20pm to take possesion of their respectfully vacant tables and chairs, while the rest of the club was already bursting at the seams.
That's bullshit, especially when they didn't even need all 3 tables and the one in the photo is where I prefer to place my equipment.
The crappy sign kept my favorite location empty and unproductive until I snapped and ripped it out.
Installed a trio of bikers there to stabilize my borders.

Yes, a sash is in my photo.
There's a first time for everything.
By all reports (I was 2 busy 2 look) it said "Bride 2B", so of course I was dealing with classy people who still didn't bother to RSVP that third table.

Overkill

If one subwoofer is good, three is better.

Might as well use a mixer with twice as many channels as you need, and add an extra rack of EQ's and compressors while you're at it.

I had fun at The Blue Mustang.

LPGH

Any ideas what the title stands for? 

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished--Baseball Edition

The title of this post refers to this one from the Garage's 3rd month.
(There have been more than enough other examples, but without photos I don't blog about them).



We've had a good many months of above average rainfall.
No more drought, no more water restrictions, life is good.

But this Spring has seen some explosive growth, as if the plants are striking back after 2+ years of abuse.
Trees that were just bare branches one week had full foliage the next.
Weeds are out of control.
My lawn isn't dead meat after all.
The wildflowers are back with a vengeance.
Many surprises!


Last week I mowed my back yard for the third time in a month, which is the same number of times it got cut in all of 2009 and it's only April!
Then I went to work on the grasses, weeds, and hackberry trees in our alley.

This phone-cam photo shows the unchecked mess to the west of our property line.
All she has to do is pay her hired crew to cut the forest down, but it never happens.
Behind OUR fence it's code compliant and looks pretty nice, for an alley.

My neighbor to the east is a nice old man who lost his wife to cancer a few years back.
Retired military, too.
I like to keep his part of the alley trimmed, too.
I've never mentioned it, and if he thinks it's the people on the other side of the alley that's fine with me.
I do it because I want to.
If the earth had spun slightly faster on a couple of days long ago my own parents could have been alive and retired and old, and I would have been a lawn-mowing machine for them.


But in the middle of my feel-good grass clipping I hit a fucking baseball hidden in the weeds!
It lodged against the side of my Murray and stopped the motor dead.



1) Tried to pry it out with my backyard fireplace poker?
Bent the iron!
2) Loosen the blade?
Wedged tight against the side and won't move at all.
3) Hacksaw the ball?
Blade snapped right away. WTF?
4) Dremel™ tool with a new cutting wheel?
It goes through steel like butter but after less than 2 minutes on that baseball the wheel disintegrated.
5) At this point I stuck a screwdriver into the grooves I had cut and managed to split the ball in half.
CorkFucker.

A new blade for my lawnmower cost $13.47 at WalMart.
And now that I have this new blade, why the hell won't the grass grow like it did last week?

I want to cut something!

Why I Hate Outdoor Shows

National Parks

The sign below was refreshing with it's honesty.
"Break-ins Have Occurred" is a simple statement of fact that elevates an everyday lawyerly warning to reality, and I appreciated it.
Mission Concepcion, April 3, 2010.


This one has the opposite effect.
I get really pissed-off when people think that the world is their playground.
Is a crappy snapshot of Junior perched on the crumbling walls of a historic location really worth angering the ghosts and bloggers?
Mission San Jose, April 3, 2010.
5 years +1 day earlier I took another photo of people being disrespectful while visiting what I consider sacred ground.
It was only the 3rd post here at Zzakk's Garage, and I certainly didn't hold my tongue back then, did I?

This time I wanted to slap the parents of a 6 year old boy who exploded into the church and was allowed to yell whatever came to mind at full volume.
My face and ass would have been pink for a week had I pulled that shit in public at his age, and now I suddenly feel very old.

Is There A Shuttle Bus?

There's already a bunch of handicap parking spaces that're always empty, and now we have a whole new section devoted to those who choose to waddle and take baby steps???
Photo from The Rim™

On the same subject, has anyone else noticed that a ridiculous number of Home Depot slots are handicapped?
Are you seriously telling me that people with infirmaties are loading up a pallet or two of shingles, then climbing up a ladder to re-roof their homes?
Of ALL the places that could get away with 3 handi-spots versus the 87 they actually have, it's Home Depot and Lowe's.

Take 3: I have always wondered why able-bodied men avoid using the big restroom stalls.
As far as I know there isn't a law against it.
No "Potty Cops" writing tickets.
First come, first served in my book.
They are there as a convenience/requirement, but aren't reserved on an exclusive basis.
Considering that the chances of seeing someone in a wheelchair in any given place of business amounts to far less than 1% yet the big stalls account for 33% on average, I say that they are fair game when you have to piss.

It's no great hardship to wait your turn like everybody else (mainstreaming?!) especially when you get to sit in your chair instead of having to lean against the wall trying to avoid eye contact.


Look, I "get it".
We have had fantastic progress over the last 20 years making the USA an easier place for the less fortunate to enjoy.
When I think of how bad it was when I was a kid for my friends in wheelchairs to get around, I can't help but feel proud of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

But where does it end?
I can't help but think that we've gone full-circle and are discriminating against the rest of us now.
Are reparations next?

Now that the health care bill has passed, is the government going to give everyone magic titanium legs so I can park within a quarter mile of the fucking doors again?

Toyota's Recent Troubles

This was a difficult drive-by grab shot, taken out the window while trying to avoid running down cops and firemen in the smokey street.

I think it symbolizes Toyota's current state of affairs.

Here in SA we are a little more supportive than people in other places, since the Tundra is made here and the Tacoma line is about to open, too.
I hope they get it together sooner rather than later.

NameThat Car

Clues: '70s, rare, not so much a musclecar as a sporty wannabe, based on a POS.

Lesbionic TP

TP stuck to someone's shoe is funny enough, but how about when it's hanging out of a scary girl's pants?

I'm seriously afraid that this pic will get my ass beat.

No Personal Cameras

Oh really?
Just try and stop me.

Trainz

On my first computer, Auran's Trainz Simulator worked but my machine was dangerously close to the minimum system requirements.
The newer machine didn't like it for some reason when I was running Win2K, but now that I'm running XP and have more RAM the game works really well.
In fact, when the simulator came out (2001) my current computer would have been considered an ultimate gaming machine that was worth a bajillion dollars.

Here are some screenshots:
Don't tell me that isn't Mr. T in that van.

The speed limit is very low when you're running in heavy snow.

Love my smoking AlCo FPA2 locomotives.

I'm going to have to poke around the interwebs for some patches this game needs.
Apparently, Auran is out of business so I'm also SOL for adding some D&H engines to my fleet.
Operations are MUCH easier in DCC (model train) mode versus messing with the complicated braking systems of the "real" train system, but I'll be switching back next time.

The funnest part is being able to swing several cameras around and take photos from nearly any angle without getting rained upon.
IF I wanted to get crazy, you can also use the game to design a model railroad layout down to the smallest detail.

Fuck Maxtor

This is the shitty harddrive that failed.

Got a Seagate Barracuda to replace it, and spent all of last night installing new RAM and XP, plus many of my other programs and settings.
It's like a new computer--bigger and more.

Consumed a lethal amount of vodka, but that's the rule when working on computers.

I have only owned 5 harddrives before yesterday, and the only two that have failed were Maxtor.

Genny Cream

In 1981-2 I could (carefully!) walk across Route 9 in Clifton Park NY to a liquor store that sold 6-packs of Genny Cream for $1.60--and often did.

Times change.



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Bass Your Life On Christ

A T-shirt I recently found:
Don't have an issue with the message or the design.

I just don't approve of bad spelling just for the sake of being "clever", and especially of reaching too hard for a connection.

The people who are the intended target of such messages will usually just roll their eyes, so it ends up being a case of preaching to the choir--which by definition is a waste of time.

Hallmark Is Getting Weird

A 2009 Keepsake™ Ornament, with sound & light (1 beep/blink for yes, 2 for no) this is quite possibly the most ridiculous offering yet.
As a Star Trek episode this 2-parter wasn't terrible, even though it was only a vehicle to recycle the original series pilot as flashbacks.
But the visual of Spock and (buff!) Kirk questioning what's left of Capt. Pike was nauseating on TV back in the late '60s and nothing has changed since then.

Who's idea was this?



When did the garage pass 20K hits?
Who cares?