No Personal Cameras

Oh really?
Just try and stop me.

Build Around It

Spotted through the bamboo at Chris Park.
An elegant solution for many years, until the trees outgrow the holes.

Bassic Repairs

An old Ibanez bass showed up at my house tossed in the back of a pickup truck with no case.
It had crapped-out many years ago, but was remembered fondly.


There was no cover plate on the back, just duct tape protecting the wiring and keeping the battery from falling out. Step 1 was selecting a solvent that would get rid of tape spooge without damaging the finish, then scrub the bass clean of beer, sweat, and essence of whore.
Step 2 was to dive into her spaghetti guts and figure out why she was mute and slightly retarded.
I won't bore you with the details because it's tedious work I'd rather forget.
Newer instruments have a drop-in circuit board that takes care of everything, but then I wouldn't have a chance in hell of even diagnosing the problem let alone fixing it.
Computer chipz aren't friendly to us old-school soldering gun & hammer types.

Step 3 was finding some plastic and fabricating a new back cover.
For a paying customer I would have gone out and bought some, but on this project my budget was zero so I used an EXIT sign scrounged from a dumpster for a previous project.
After cutting it to shape with an ExActo knife and sanding it down to fit (a bitch!) I drilled and countersunk the screw holes, painted the backside white, and glued a layer of aluminum foil to it for RFI rejection. You can see where there's some Ibanez foil tape to transfer ground connection to the plate in the 1st pic.

Step 4 was to find the correct allen wrench and adjust a steel truss-rod inside the neck. After letting the neck "settle" for a day I adjusted it again, then went to work on the bridge to fine-tune the action (string height).

Step 5 = Intonation.
Depending on how high the strings are and what gauge/tension strings you prefer, the bridge saddles have to be moved to shorten or lengthen the vibrating length of each string so it will play in-tune all the way up your neck.
Steps 4 & 5 are an interrelated balancing act that must be performed periodically, and any time you change string gauge or even brand.
Many musicians haven't a clue how to do this, and the ones who also can't afford to pay a professional to do it for them will forever suffer from that "garage band" sound.
You've heard what I'm talking about--chords sound a little "odd" and despite tuning between every song none of the instruments in the band agree on what exactly constitutes a G#. Yuck!
I taught myself these skills when I was 14 and have made a few bucks on the side over the decades since.
It's also a good way to spend quality time with a lot of different instruments and learn their secrets.

I brought the newly Zzakk'd bass to the next gig, and I thought it sounded much better than the one I've been listening to for 19 months.
Longer sustain, no dead notes (F#), less muddy/more even tone.
After one set I was waiting for the old bass to come out of it's case, but it didn't happen.

At the end of the night I was asked to put this one in the case and leave the other one naked.
The photo above is from the next gig and Miz Ibanez Roja again handled the whole night and in fact the other bass was left at home, so I guess my efforts were successful.
Since I prefer this one's sound and will have to listen to it for 24+ hours a month, I'm very happy that the owner is happy.

BTW, I would have charged anyone else $75-100 for the work but I consider stuff like this part of my job.
Yet another step towards being irreplaceable.

Rockstar Academy

You could do a lot worse than take career advice from Michael Morales.
After all, he's had a hit record.
(A cover of What I Like About You by The Romantics. Repeat--a cover).

And he's a Grammy winning producer, for...I don't know.
Probably a Latin Grammy.

And he's done time for extortion, related to his brother or cousin or somebody running for governor. Blackmailed the opposition and got caught.
State prison teaches you many useful skills.

But the name Rockstar Academy really turns me off.
People love to use that word way too much to suit me.
Some 12 year old kid sings a song and knows three chords, and proud mommy calls them a rockstar.
An 18 year old joins a band and plays a backyard party, they call themselves a rockstar.
But after 29 years in the music business, including several years leading bands that played in front of huge crowds I have never once thought I was one.

Let me break it down:
Bono = Rockstar
Jonas Brothers = Not

Jimmy Page = Rockstar
Miley Cyrus = Not

Gene Simmons = Rockstar
Michael Morales = Not

Slash = Rockstar
Axl Rose = Not

You've GOT To Be Kidding!

It's a freaking handtruck.
Two little wheels, some steel tubing, and a flat bit that you scootch under heavy things to move them around using the advantage of leverage.
NOT FOR HIGHWAY USE has got to be the silliest warning label I've seen in 2009.

People who hurt themselves doing dumb shit and then sue should be whipped in public.
What happens to their lawyers, I'll leave open to comments.

The Correct Amount Of Pee

Compare and contrast from this post in August.
I take full credit for getting this fixed.

As your intrepid shitcan advert watchdog, it falls on my shoulders to make sure that offensive typos don't ruin your pissing experience.

Thank me with beers so we can keep this project going...

Halloween Is Starting Arrrly

Spotted this down the street from my brother's garage in Converse.
The beer bottle is an awesome detail.


Apparently it's Pirate Week™ at the Zzakk blogs.
Over at ZZakk's Lab my brother tells stories about modern pirating featuring a picture of one that you may have tried to draw back in the day.

Extra Pee

Typos are one thing, but for ad copy with a major gaffe to make it to print and then get used is not acceptable.


It's just a coincidence that two photos in a row include urinals.
I'm not some creepy guy with a camera hanging around the men's rooms all over town.
Both of these were in bars across the street from each other (another coincidence--like gold, comedy is where you find it) on Broadway.
Last week's was taken after closing, while today's was caught before they opened.

Potty Humor

I didn't put that bumper sticker in the urinal, but I would have given the chance.

What I also like is the classic additions of a cigarette butt and a wad of gum.
Perfectly authentic, and thankfully there's no barf.
On this particular night the odds weren't good that any toilet in the building would survive without getting some.
I got lucky.

Will It Work?

Free brush pickup is next week in my neighborhood.

What's In The Colonel's Garage?

I recently got the chance to peek into someone else's garage and take pictures of their stuff.

I remember hand drills like this, before DeWalt and Black And Decker perfected rechargeable electric ones.
In fact, there was a small DeWalt with it's battery on it's charger nearby, but it's nice to see that this old tool was kept.

Wow! I have never seen another one of these before now.
Zzakk's Garage has had one since I was a baby.

Amphi-Jerk

I had just potted these flowers the night before.
By morning this toad had moved in.

He's lucky I didn't feed him to my snake.

Frenzy Art

This awesome switchplate was a gift from Selma M.
She comments on my blogs, drinks tequila with me, makes me laugh, flings corn and mashed potatos onto my shirt, and cries when I give her the perfect photo.
Selma has more of my prints than anyone else.

Apparently she saw this in some funky shop near Dallas and knew I would love it, and man was she right.
Firstly, I've been really into skulls for the last few years, especially Mexican Day Of The Dead imagery.
When she gave it to me I had just been offered my dream job of playing bass with my favorite local musicians and what do you know?
The mohawked skeleton is playing a bass.
Plus there are stage lights (another big thing with me) and a cool coffin guitar case.
When my new band starts doing gigs I won't be wearing shorts, but who wants to bet against me having my first-ever mohawk?

I have it on the light/ceiling fan switch 6 feet to my right, so I can see it all the time.
Thanks, Selma!!!
You nailed me with this suprise gift.

"Frenzy Art is Functional Art & Diabolical Gifts Celebrating the Mexican Day of the Dead (...& every other day).
Frenzy Art comes from the mind of artist Ladislao Loera."

I don't have any contact info, but Google shouldn't have any trouble.

T'anks For The Snake

Another picture of a neighbor's pile of crap--sorry.

Here's why this one is funny:
When an albino corn snake named Candy Corn wandered into our yard and joined the family back in March, we wondered just where in the heck she came from.

Here are the "facts" as I pieced them together at the time:
A) She was someone's pet.
There are no corn snakes in the wild here besides the Baird's Rat Snake which is mostly gray.
Albino corns are just one of many color "morphs" that are popular in the pet industry. Breeders work hard at producing a rainbow of interesting colors in this excellent pet species--just Google "corn snake breeder" to see them for yourself.
Personally, I like the standard color they are supposed to be but albinos like Candy are possibly the prettiest snake I have ever seen.
So she was definitely store-bought.

B) She lived nearby--within a street or two in our typical suburban subdivision.
I knew this because she was well-fed and uninjured.
A pet snake is usually rather poor at hunting, and they are also prone to getting into dustups with cats and dogs because they don't know to avoid them.
Candy was perfect, so she hadn't travel far and wasn't on her own for more than a few days. I could tell that she had last been fed between 10 and twenty days before finding her--hungry but not skinny.

C) Her home had kids--probably 'tween to teen.
Older kids are the most likely to want a pretty pet snake, and also the most likely to let them escape.
Rock and roll guys like me are also prime candidates, but with very few exceptions our neighborhood is populated with retired people.
Just a few families have kids, and only ONE on our street.

We're getting close, but no proof yet.

Until I saw the "20 gallon long" aquarium with screen top seen above, sitting in the trash pile of my prime suspects!
The exact type of tank and lid that the sales staff at PetCo™ would sell to novice snake owners along with a baby corn snake.
(Usually in-stock for $40 BTW--they're so cute!)

There was plastic foliage plus a wood hiding place that are also perfect matches for my owner profile inside the aquarium. Definitely a snake's tank, from a novice.
A family of reptile newbs would shop at PetCo, not knowing that the locally owned shops that specialize in exotic pets have better equipment and better advice.
Equipment and advice that might help you prevent your snake from escaping!

That screen top sort of clips on top of the aquarium, and would have been fine for a year or two.
But once Candy got around 3+ feet long she had more than enough length to apply some serious leverage against that flimsy thing. A 20 gallon long tank isn't very tall, so she was able to rise up and bust her way out.

I keep her in a 20 gallon "tall" with a solid oak screen top I made myself years ago that's held down with stout rubber bungees. Candy tries to get out sometimes when she's hungry but can't budge my hardware one bit.
Just seeing how big and strong she was made the tall aquarium my first choice despite the greater real estate a "long" has for slithering about and getting snakey.

"The missing snake never turned up after escaping in March--just admit that you kids screwed the pooch and lost it. We're throwing out the tank since it's just taking up space, and there's no way we're spending money on another snake since y'all can't take care of them properly".
I've listened to the mom of this family enough times to know that I pretty much channelled their discussion.
Omitted the "But MOMMMM"s because I don't like to quote children.
Makes them uppity.

So the tank is the key to unlocking this puzzle of where Candy came from.
In fact, I half-suspected that it would show up this week seeing as how the last trash day was too soon after the escape for them to give up on finding her.
I got very excited when I saw it, and after explaining my "solution" to Sylvia was glowing with pride at how I had Sherlock'd the fuck out of this mystery.

But then Candy's new mommy asked me a very intelligent question: "How did she get out of their house?"

Shit.
Give me a minute...

3 kids, who leave doors open...?
Yeah, when feeding all those weiner dogs that bark and escape all the time.
Weiner dogs....and the mom is ALWAYS busy outside cleaning, landscaping, washing their trailer, moving the basketball goal, leaving the Suburban's doors open, chasing weiner dogs, and every other damn thing besides sitting on the couch watching Oprah like she should. (They don't have cable, BTW. Another story for another time)

Too busy to let the dogs in and out when the brats are at school....
Weiner dogs...


Got it yet?









The snake escaped through their doggy-door!

And hauled ass tightly around the house heading for the front yard since it's a shorter and less vulnerable route out of a backyard full of smelly barking jackasses.
Then made a bee-line for the exact spot where she currently lives, discovered just 8 feet short of her goal.
Destiny.

Zzakk for the win!


Am I a jerk for not giving back the snake now that I've deduced it's original home?

No
If you can't keep your exotic pets safely and successfully, you don't deserve them.
And Candy made a bee-line for the one person in this 'hood who could best care for her, instead of cutting her head off with a shovel.
I feel like she made her own choice of caretaker.

Besides, the trash men picked up the tank this morning so she would have no place to live in their house.

The 8th Dwarf?

Drinky, Sleazy, Douchebag, Throw-Up, Wussy, Stinky, Wanker, and introducing:
Mopey.

Assistant video boy, hair tugger, zit farmer, nincompoop.
Never saw his eyes, never heard a word, never saw any initiative except for when he was bootlegging my band's performance, as seen here.
I guess Chrissy got him half-hard (all that can be expected) but she's twice the man he'll ever be.
Also never saw him in a situation that mattered where the cam didn't get taken away by his boss.
So sad...

I'm not cruel by nature, but haven't we all been exposed to someone who just made you want to stand on their neck until something pops?
Mopey wasn't interested in improving, which is the greatest sin of all.

In the days of my youth...

...I was told what it means to be a man.


These wacky kids today, with their strange new ways.
Back when WE were young, we didn't....oh wait.

Yes, we did.
Only better.