Monday, March 02, 2009

The CIG to PBG

What cracked me up about this book I found at Borders was the old joke about bass players not being smart enough to master 6 strings and playing chords, so they settle for 4 strings and play one at a time...just to meet girls.
Or the other joke that you have to be an idiot to want to play bass--most bassists end up there by sucking at everything else.

Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows--bass players are so lazy they would rather just sit in the dark.

A: Just one, but you have to wait until he steals a lightbulb.
And some toilet paper while he's at it.

A: Just one, but a guitar player showed him how.

A: "Fuck that--it's the crew's job".

A: 3

A: Back in 1985 it's rumored that a bass player did it all by himself, but then had to visit the ER to get the bulb removed from his ass.

A: The only one who ever tried it knocked the lamp over, then threw up on it, starting a fire.
New band policy dictates that the bassist isn't allowed anywhere near electrical devices without supervision.

A: "Screw in a lightbulb? That sounds hard. I have trouble screwing in a Cadillac!"

I can keep this up for days...and only one of them is old material.
I'm even funnier in-person.

What's great about this book cover is the placement of the third (ring) finger--when slopped-over the fret like that you're guaranteed to have a dead note that doesn't ring for shit.

And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'd like to point out that while I was known as a lead guitarist I have always been a bassist, too.
Just waiting for Craig'sList to cough-up a Fender Squier Jazz Bass that's got crazy sustain and a good price so I can hit the stage again with a side-gig on weeknights.
I miss playing for people, but all of the BS associated with playing guitar professionally (like effects pedals and endless varieties of tones and distortion levels) made 6-string art more of a chore than a joy.
I yearn for the simplicity of finding one great instrument and matching it to the perfect amp, then just concentrating on tone and hitting the right notes at the right time while failing to look cool.


Anonymous said...

What does a Bass player use for birth control?

His personality.

Bro K

KeithAlanK said...

Good one!
What do strippers do with to their assholes before work?
Drop them off at band practice.