Zzakk's Garage

Spell Check

2011-04-07T01:25:00.003-05:00

At least the ones facing the highway and parking lot were correct.

Good Advice

2011-03-26T22:36:00.000-05:00

Beer Babes 3

2011-03-15T23:23:00.004-05:00

My beer cans keep bringing out new pinup girls in shorts.
I used this as an excuse to showcase some brand-new leaves on a potted ivy because it's Spring and I'm enjoying it as hard as I can.

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Fire Or Ice?

2011-02-17T00:21:00.003-06:00

We were at a party for the AFC Championship game.
The host used a fire pit for icing down the beers.

It was cold enough outside to keep those bottles chilled without any ice at all, so obviously a fire would have been most welcome.

On the other hand, what do I care?
I didn't drink anything that night.

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Beer Babes 2

2011-02-04T00:32:00.002-06:00

It's a little bit too cold to be wearing shorts, girl.

Have A Smoking Christmas

2010-12-16T00:29:00.002-06:00

Seen at The Rim tonight:
We could see the smoke from a quarter mile away.
Thought someone was BBQing.
Pulled up and found out that the tree has so many lights they brought in a generator to power them all.
Needs a tune-up.

Beer Babes

2010-11-15T03:41:00.005-06:00

You saw it here first!
Pin-up girls on beer cans, courtesy the Miller Brewing Company.

When I spotted this interesting new development at HEB tonight, I could swear I heard the word slut sotto voce, but I bought them anyway.

A sixer of the same pose gets old pretty quickly, though.
I hope "variety packs" aren't more expensive.

Anyone caught whacking to a beer can will probably get a divorce but at least 27 high fives, 15 of which are done wrong where the initiator grabs the responder's fingers.
This is the main reason I love/hate watching Wheel Of Fortune...

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Comic Fun

2010-10-13T22:13:00.001-05:00

Open to interpretation.
My thoughts run towards an indictment of our public schools.

Baby's ButtAid

2010-10-06T22:52:00.002-05:00

I have no need for this product, but the packaging was irresistable.

Relief for the un-happy Butt!
I know someone with an unhappy butt--unfortunately zinc oxide won't help them.

Fun Vehicles From Around The Web

2010-09-02T23:44:00.002-05:00

Apparently, Blogger has fixed the glitch that always used to post your photo uploads in reverse order.
Got to remember that.

Recycling Rejected

2010-08-30T00:16:00.002-05:00

The trucks had already come to pick up recyclables, but they didn't take one of my neighbor's loads:

Broken Rule #1: According to the guidelines, lids must be closed.
Which let the driver discover Broken Rule #2: Sticks and leaves aren't wanted at the recycling center.

They would have gotten away with breaking #2 is they had only followed #1.
Just like driving drunk--if you respect the speed limit and use your signals and drive in a straight line (except on curves), you'll probably sleep at home instead of jail.

Spelling Disa(s)ter

2010-08-21T01:09:00.003-05:00

Recent reciept from Northern Tools--we needed a new wheel for the handtruck.

Makes me wonder how they got screwed during some previous crisis to have to enact a specific policy re: pumps and saws and gens.

Call-Girl Barbie

2010-08-02T01:26:00.003-05:00

I'm afraid that Mattel hasn't gotten the word that the USA is full of change up to our ears.
(Okay, the change only reaches our knees--let's be honest).
From the Barbie Basics™ line, the only black doll is also the only one with her tits hanging out.
At least she looks stylish in her basic attire.
You need a lot of expensive accessories to portray Streetwalker Barbie, although business must be bad because she's on clearance.

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Monte Carlo SS

2010-07-29T00:19:00.004-05:00

This Chevy was for sale recently down the street from my 'hood.
The striking similarities to my Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme of the same period suggests 1985.
Our mom thought the Monte Carlo SS was just a little too muscular for a nice suburban lady so we settled on the very next best thing.
79,000 original miles, guys.
Hell, my Olds had more miles than that by '95!
Someone got a really sweet ride with this one--and if I wasn't looking for a truck right now this would have been the car of my dreams (if the price was right).
Unfortunately, I would have needed enough cash after the sale to buy some real wheels and especially tires.
The chromed Cragar mags are classic, but my Cutlass wore brushed aluminum American Racing wheels that were the simple dish type. Cragars were popular a little before my time.
And my cars (including a '77 Monte Carlo) always rode on Goodyear Eagles.
Back then, if you raced you used Eagles.
There was nothing else that rated consideration.
What the fuck is a Primewell?
Sounds like the crap you buy at PepBoys because you don't know any better.
"Ohhh--raised white letters! They MUST be cool!"
Uhhh...no.

Speaking of PepBoys/AutoZone:
Obviously, this car has a nice aftermarket stainless steel dual-exhaust system.
The factory system surely rusted-out years ago.
But the chrome exhaust tips in the Chevy BowTie design?
Uhhh...no.

I used to laugh at the guys who bought cars that were fast from the factory but too complicated for the average suburban dildo to work on himself.
They would wander around the big autoparts stores on Saturday looking to spend money on their fine ride, but not have a clue about camshafts and carburetors, springs and swaybars, locking lugnuts and lemon air fresheners.

So they would buy chrome license plate frames with simulated chains, an STP sticker (without knowing jack about Stone Temple Pilots), and the damned fuzzy dice.
Because they were players, dammit!
(Fuzzy dice, because you shoot craps all the time? Really?? REALLY??? More like Yahtzee, son).

I'm not saying I was a major gear-head, although I have done my share of wrenching.
But I never hung cheap-ass crap on my fine automobiles.
If an item didn't make it faster, corner more solidly, or make my tunes sound better, I ignored it.

Purity of design and function.
No bullshit bling on my guitars or guns, either.

Looking back on this year's posts, Zzakk's Garage is starting to lean solidly towards the subject matter that it's name might suggest.
Lots of cars in 2010!

Glad He's Not Driving

2010-07-21T00:06:00.002-05:00

On NW Military between Loop 1604 and the Alon Market HEB at Wurzbach Pkwy, we were entertained by the antics of this drunk punk:

In all of recorded history, has yelling incomprehensibly at girls in other cars (or chariots) while waving your arms around ever worked?

I am Spartacus , and I got her number.

Good Luck, buddy!
Let us know how that works out.

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Real Men?

2010-07-15T17:25:00.003-05:00

As a "real" man who happens to love Jesus, this truck offends me.

Is this meant to sway men who are on the fence as far as both Christianity and their sexual identity?
Appealing to their self-doubt doesn't seem like something Jesus would approve of.
He never used this tactic anywhere in the Bible that I can recall.

If someone doesn't believe, but then makes the leap based on seeing this truck, I'm afraid I have to doubt their sincerity.
This kind of stuff makes Christians look like idiots--on par with the loud and obnoxious "preachers" who make visiting the Alamo such an ordeal.

Proclaiming that real men love kittens isn't going to make someone who hates cats suddenly love them, so why would it work for something as serious as faith?

So annoying...

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Good Dogs, Bad Cats?

2010-06-30T23:23:00.006-05:00

Those are the sayings, but it's not so simple.

Over several years of living in the same place, you might learn the names of your neighbor's pets.
Not all of them--for example, I don't care to learn anything about the 3 weinerdogs across the street because they're assholes.
I work in my yard all the time and really wish they would get used to it.
Shut up!
The new city trash barrels keep them from tearing open my garbage bags when they escape at night, which might be the best part of automated refuse pickup!

While watering last week this big fellow ran up to me, then hung around for 10 minutes or so.
Note the eyes.
Obviously not a Husky (there's a breeder around the corner) so I'm guessing Malamute or a Husky/Collie mix, but what the hell do I know about dogs?
His long hair flowed hypnotically with every step like some breeds at the Westminster Dog Show's main ring during the finals, so I was very impressed...until he maneuvered upwind of me.
This boy smelled!

Bad enough that I never touched him despite a strong desire to feel that fur.

Then he plopped-down on my wet grass, which couldn't have helped.
Bet he was running away from a bath when he found me.
Never learned his name, but probably will eventually.

(The photo doesn't really convey just how enormous this dog was).

This happened around midnight:
I heard a crash outside last night and did a window-peek.
Saw the trashed petunias, then caught a glimpse of a skinny cat shadow walking around our car.

There are two main suspects--Bucky and Willy.
Bucky has been featured here before, but at the time I had been mis-hearing his name when called for dinner as Lucky.
Interesting title on that link...a recent chat with his owner set me straight.

But I suspect it was Willy, Bucky's little brother by two or 3 litters who has been hanging around our house a LOT lately.
He spends his afternoons lounging in the grass in our backyard, then comes back late at night to sleep on a chair on our patio.
In fact, he's in the chair right now!

Willy's probably afraid of possums and deer and 'coons lurking in the dark on the sides of the houses in my 'hood, so he climbs our fence then jumps onto the roof and walks over to the front, where it's a short jump to the decorative brick wall that gives our sidewalk and porch some privacy.
We keep flowerpots on top of the wall, which makes it challenging for the cats.
A bad landing probably--hit the pot of petunias and scared himself silly.
No hard feelings, Willy.

I used to like Willy because he was silent, unlike his brother who won't shut his meow-hole if there's anyone around to listen.
But around 10pm tonight we were startled by something banging against our patio door, mere inches from the couch as we watched TV.
It was Willy hunting grasshoppers.
He also gets on the table under our porch light and goes after moths and geckos.
2 days ago I watched him play with a baby toad, and 2 months ago I saw him kill a lizard for fun and practice.

I guess the title should have been Smelly Dogs, Wild Cats.
For the record, I prefer the survival-oriented behavior of cats.

Yes And No

2010-06-23T23:21:00.004-05:00

Very nice Camaro!
Clean, powerful, and from the era when I first fell in love with Detroit Muscle Cars.
Had the Hot Wheels car of this, but in dark blue paint.
I approve.

On closer examination, I'm conflicted.

LA Lakers fans are tools.

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RSVP ?

2010-06-13T05:48:00.004-05:00

The three prime tables at RevRoom were already reserved when I got there.
Sloppily-torn strips of paper taped to the tables said so, written with a pen that'll never be accused of being bold.
Then these fine-ass folded signs were added, and they really hit the mark before sagging:

Yeah, it says "R S V P", which is French for Are you coming the fuck over or what? Let me know.
Ooops.

My actual problem is that the Reservers didn't show up until 11:20pm to take possesion of their respectfully vacant tables and chairs, while the rest of the club was already bursting at the seams.
That's bullshit, especially when they didn't even need all 3 tables and the one in the photo is where I prefer to place my equipment.
The crappy sign kept my favorite location empty and unproductive until I snapped and ripped it out.
Installed a trio of bikers there to stabilize my borders.

Yes, a sash is in my photo.
There's a first time for everything.
By all reports (I was 2 busy 2 look) it said "Bride 2B", so of course I was dealing with classy people who still didn't bother to RSVP that third table.

Overkill

2010-05-18T00:30:00.002-05:00

If one subwoofer is good, three is better.

Might as well use a mixer with twice as many channels as you need, and add an extra rack of EQ's and compressors while you're at it.

I had fun at The Blue Mustang.

LPGH

2010-05-12T22:58:00.002-05:00

Any ideas what the title stands for?

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished--Baseball Edition

2010-04-13T23:21:00.007-05:00

The title of this post refers to this one from the Garage's 3rd month.
(There have been more than enough other examples, but without photos I don't blog about them).

We've had a good many months of above average rainfall.
No more drought, no more water restrictions, life is good.

But this Spring has seen some explosive growth, as if the plants are striking back after 2+ years of abuse.
Trees that were just bare branches one week had full foliage the next.
Weeds are out of control.
My lawn isn't dead meat after all.
The wildflowers are back with a vengeance.
Many surprises!

Last week I mowed my back yard for the third time in a month, which is the same number of times it got cut in all of 2009 and it's only April!
Then I went to work on the grasses, weeds, and hackberry trees in our alley.

This phone-cam photo shows the unchecked mess to the west of our property line.
All she has to do is pay her hired crew to cut the forest down, but it never happens.
Behind OUR fence it's code compliant and looks pretty nice, for an alley.

My neighbor to the east is a nice old man who lost his wife to cancer a few years back.
Retired military, too.
I like to keep his part of the alley trimmed, too.
I've never mentioned it, and if he thinks it's the people on the other side of the alley that's fine with me.
I do it because I want to.
If the earth had spun slightly faster on a couple of days long ago my own parents could have been alive and retired and old, and I would have been a lawn-mowing machine for them.

But in the middle of my feel-good grass clipping I hit a fucking baseball hidden in the weeds!
It lodged against the side of my Murray and stopped the motor dead.

1) Tried to pry it out with my backyard fireplace poker?
Bent the iron!
2) Loosen the blade?
Wedged tight against the side and won't move at all.
3) Hacksaw the ball?
Blade snapped right away. WTF?
4) Dremel™ tool with a new cutting wheel?
It goes through steel like butter but after less than 2 minutes on that baseball the wheel disintegrated.
5) At this point I stuck a screwdriver into the grooves I had cut and managed to split the ball in half.
CorkFucker.

A new blade for my lawnmower cost $13.47 at WalMart.
And now that I have this new blade, why the hell won't the grass grow like it did last week?

I want to cut something!

Why I Hate Outdoor Shows

2010-04-08T22:29:00.002-05:00

National Parks

2010-04-06T00:42:00.005-05:00

The sign below was refreshing with it's honesty.
"Break-ins Have Occurred" is a simple statement of fact that elevates an everyday lawyerly warning to reality, and I appreciated it.
Mission Concepcion, April 3, 2010.

This one has the opposite effect.
I get really pissed-off when people think that the world is their playground.
Is a crappy snapshot of Junior perched on the crumbling walls of a historic location really worth angering the ghosts and bloggers?
Mission San Jose, April 3, 2010.
5 years +1 day earlier I took another photo of people being disrespectful while visiting what I consider sacred ground.
It was only the 3rd post here at Zzakk's Garage, and I certainly didn't hold my tongue back then, did I?

This time I wanted to slap the parents of a 6 year old boy who exploded into the church and was allowed to yell whatever came to mind at full volume.
My face and ass would have been pink for a week had I pulled that shit in public at his age, and now I suddenly feel very old.

Is There A Shuttle Bus?

2010-03-25T23:59:00.004-05:00

There's already a bunch of handicap parking spaces that're always empty, and now we have a whole new section devoted to those who choose to waddle and take baby steps???
Photo from The Rim™

On the same subject, has anyone else noticed that a ridiculous number of Home Depot slots are handicapped?
Are you seriously telling me that people with infirmaties are loading up a pallet or two of shingles, then climbing up a ladder to re-roof their homes?
Of ALL the places that could get away with 3 handi-spots versus the 87 they actually have, it's Home Depot and Lowe's.

Take 3: I have always wondered why able-bodied men avoid using the big restroom stalls.
As far as I know there isn't a law against it.
No "Potty Cops" writing tickets.
First come, first served in my book.
They are there as a convenience/requirement, but aren't reserved on an exclusive basis.
Considering that the chances of seeing someone in a wheelchair in any given place of business amounts to far less than 1% yet the big stalls account for 33% on average, I say that they are fair game when you have to piss.

It's no great hardship to wait your turn like everybody else (mainstreaming?!) especially when you get to sit in your chair instead of having to lean against the wall trying to avoid eye contact.

Look, I "get it".
We have had fantastic progress over the last 20 years making the USA an easier place for the less fortunate to enjoy.
When I think of how bad it was when I was a kid for my friends in wheelchairs to get around, I can't help but feel proud of the Americans with Disabilities Act.

But where does it end?
I can't help but think that we've gone full-circle and are discriminating against the rest of us now.
Are reparations next?

Now that the health care bill has passed, is the government going to give everyone magic titanium legs so I can park within a quarter mile of the fucking doors again?

Toyota's Recent Troubles

2010-03-16T17:40:00.003-05:00

This was a difficult drive-by grab shot, taken out the window while trying to avoid running down cops and firemen in the smokey street.

I think it symbolizes Toyota's current state of affairs.

Here in SA we are a little more supportive than people in other places, since the Tundra is made here and the Tacoma line is about to open, too.
I hope they get it together sooner rather than later.

NameThat Car

2010-03-09T23:52:00.003-06:00

Clues: '70s, rare, not so much a musclecar as a sporty wannabe, based on a POS.

Lesbionic TP

2010-02-27T04:54:00.003-06:00

TP stuck to someone's shoe is funny enough, but how about when it's hanging out of a scary girl's pants?

I'm seriously afraid that this pic will get my ass beat.

No Personal Cameras

2010-02-23T22:39:00.001-06:00

Oh really?
Just try and stop me.

Trainz

2010-02-17T22:47:00.004-06:00

On my first computer, Auran's Trainz Simulator worked but my machine was dangerously close to the minimum system requirements.
The newer machine didn't like it for some reason when I was running Win2K, but now that I'm running XP and have more RAM the game works really well.
In fact, when the simulator came out (2001) my current computer would have been considered an ultimate gaming machine that was worth a bajillion dollars.

Here are some screenshots:
Don't tell me that isn't Mr. T in that van.

The speed limit is very low when you're running in heavy snow.

Love my smoking AlCo FPA2 locomotives.

I'm going to have to poke around the interwebs for some patches this game needs.
Apparently, Auran is out of business so I'm also SOL for adding some D&H engines to my fleet.
Operations are MUCH easier in DCC (model train) mode versus messing with the complicated braking systems of the "real" train system, but I'll be switching back next time.

The funnest part is being able to swing several cameras around and take photos from nearly any angle without getting rained upon.
IF I wanted to get crazy, you can also use the game to design a model railroad layout down to the smallest detail.

Fuck Maxtor

2010-02-06T04:07:00.003-06:00

This is the shitty harddrive that failed.

Got a Seagate Barracuda to replace it, and spent all of last night installing new RAM and XP, plus many of my other programs and settings.
It's like a new computer--bigger and more.

Consumed a lethal amount of vodka, but that's the rule when working on computers.

I have only owned 5 harddrives before yesterday, and the only two that have failed were Maxtor.

Genny Cream

2010-01-20T01:39:00.004-06:00

In 1981-2 I could (carefully!) walk across Route 9 in Clifton Park NY to a liquor store that sold 6-packs of Genny Cream for $1.60--and often did.

Times change.

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Bass Your Life On Christ

2010-01-12T23:51:00.003-06:00

A T-shirt I recently found:
Don't have an issue with the message or the design.

I just don't approve of bad spelling just for the sake of being "clever", and especially of reaching too hard for a connection.

The people who are the intended target of such messages will usually just roll their eyes, so it ends up being a case of preaching to the choir--which by definition is a waste of time.

Hallmark Is Getting Weird

2010-01-10T05:01:00.003-06:00

A 2009 Keepsake™ Ornament, with sound & light (1 beep/blink for yes, 2 for no) this is quite possibly the most ridiculous offering yet.
As a Star Trek episode this 2-parter wasn't terrible, even though it was only a vehicle to recycle the original series pilot as flashbacks.
But the visual of Spock and (buff!) Kirk questioning what's left of Capt. Pike was nauseating on TV back in the late '60s and nothing has changed since then.

Who's idea was this?

When did the garage pass 20K hits?
Who cares?

Pet Peeve Of Thousands

2009-12-31T00:35:00.004-06:00

To get you up to speed, Strobist is a blog that teaches using small flashes off camera.
Not "hot" lights (continuous lights), not stage lights, not the sun, not lightning, not the little pop-up flash cameras come with, not bigger flashes mounted on the hotshoe or a bracket, but flash units off-camera.
You can also use any or all of the above, too, but without at least one flash used intelligently a photo can't be an example of Strobistry

The Strobist blog is a huge presence on the web, generating well over 100,000 hits every day.
The Strobist Flickr Group is an integral part of the whole operation, and boasts over 60,000 members. It's how we all participate and share and discuss.

Naturally, with over 60,000 people in one group there are bound to be more than a few douchebags and morons. I don't envy the moderators one bit.
For example, one of the only rules of the group is that ALL photos posted to the pool have specific lighting details provided such as flash placement, modifiers, and how the lights were triggered--this is so we can learn from each other without having to shoot messages around or ask questions.

I think the only other rule is that all photos must use off-camera flash in some way.
This falls under the category of Duh!
But every few days you'll see something like the picture above.
This time it's stage lights (shot with a fucking iPhone at that!) but it's often lightning or the moon or some other light source that the jackoff is convinced deserves a pass because it's so freaking cool.
I specialize in using all kinds of interesting light sources, but unless one of them is flash I resist the urge to "share" with the Strobist group.
There are probably a hundred groups devoted to concert photos, and likely dozens for lightning or the moon, but these people insist on polluting the Strobist pool with innappropriate shit.
Reminds me of Bill Murray biting the Baby Ruth bar in CaddyShack.

Makes even more work for the mods and admins and pisses a huge number of members off, but it never ends.
You want to bitch them out, but on the other hand it's kind of fun to try and catch these dillholes before their turds get scooped out of the pool.
I'm tempted to make this an ongoing series--venting makes me feel better.

Then there's the title: Rock Star
Some obscure 22 year old twat who joined Simple Minds for the latest tour 3 months ago is definitely NOT a Rock Star.
And neither is the dude with the bad hair who wrote and sang their only hit song a bajillion years ago and is now riding a wave of nostalgia trying to squeeze a few more euros out of The Breakfast Club movie.

Remember Don't You Forget About Me?
Despite their plea, I was more than happy to forget about Simple Minds.

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It's A WonderWoman Life

2009-12-21T01:00:00.004-06:00

Christmas decorations can be full of surprises.
The people across the street used blue lights to fashion a Star of David on their house, but Wonder Woman™ here cracked me up.

Zzakk Goes On Vacation?

2009-12-09T00:04:00.005-06:00

Actually, Sylvia went to Cancun and Cozumel and brought back some pictures for the garage, so I'm just getting a break from shooting content--I still have to do the rest of the work.
We've never been to LA so forgive us for finding this sign unusual.
A little scary and funny, too.

The combination of an ominous Mayan icon and a Christmas tree in the same photo struck us both as perfect for this site.

Great job, Syl!

Fun With Decimals

2009-12-01T22:36:00.002-06:00

Every camera I own offers an aperture option of F5.6
I'm sure there's some gearhead out there who is convinced that an aperture of F5.5999999046326 is somehow better than F5.6, and I hope to never have a conversation with him.

PhotoShop Disasters

2009-11-21T06:05:00.002-06:00

I found this at some random review site on the web.
We're going to skip right past the fact that these "Self-Defense Force Sunglasses" aren't able to stop a bullet.
No such thing.
You would be quite dead wearing these glasses if someone wanted to do a test.

What gets me blogging is the young punk who put this advert "art" together.
Are they really so stupid as to think that the brass casing of a necked cartridge can somehow squeeze it's way through a rifle barrel and travel like a rocket towards the target along with the bullet, instead of just ejecting from the action to land on the ground with a barely audible tink because we're all wearing hearing protection?

I suppose it's hard to blame them since nobody learns anything useful in school anymore, and grandparents/uncles/fathers who know jack shit are in short supply these days.

Have You Seen This?

2009-11-10T00:40:00.000-06:00

Build Around It

2009-11-03T20:55:00.002-06:00

Spotted through the bamboo at Chris Park.
An elegant solution for many years, until the trees outgrow the holes.

Washing The Trailer

2009-10-23T00:23:00.003-05:00

The band's f-ing trailer has been living in my garage since March, taking up all the extra space and making my workbench and powertools distant memories.

Years of filth were allowed to accumulate on it (intentionally) as a theft deterrent, and I can't fault the reasoning.
A clean trailer looks like it might have some good shit inside that's worth stealing. A band or DJ logo on the side practically guarantees a cut-off lock.

My position is that if it isn't in my garage it's on the way to a club where it's quickly emptied. When it sits alone in the parking lot there's nothing to steal.
Mainly, I just got tired of having to change my shirt every time I bumped into it, which happened a LOT since there's just no way to avoid it in my packed garage.

So I took it to the car wash, and brought a ladder.
My phone (LG EnV2) is the only camera I have that fits in a pocket, so that was part of the plan from the start.

One of my favorite phone pics ever.
If your monitor is calibrated you can even tell that the foam bubbles are pink.

Another side of this is pride--I got tired of driving around in public with such a filthy follower.
After replacing the tail lights and all of the wiring, adding safety chains and a new jack, installing a new lock system, and sweeping out years of dirt and hair, I thought the poor thing deserved a bath.

Bassic Repairs

2009-10-21T22:38:00.005-05:00

An old Ibanez bass showed up at my house tossed in the back of a pickup truck with no case.
It had crapped-out many years ago, but was remembered fondly.

There was no cover plate on the back, just duct tape protecting the wiring and keeping the battery from falling out. Step 1 was selecting a solvent that would get rid of tape spooge without damaging the finish, then scrub the bass clean of beer, sweat, and essence of whore.
Step 2 was to dive into her spaghetti guts and figure out why she was mute and slightly retarded.
I won't bore you with the details because it's tedious work I'd rather forget.
Newer instruments have a drop-in circuit board that takes care of everything, but then I wouldn't have a chance in hell of even diagnosing the problem let alone fixing it.
Computer chipz aren't friendly to us old-school soldering gun & hammer types.

Step 3 was finding some plastic and fabricating a new back cover.
For a paying customer I would have gone out and bought some, but on this project my budget was zero so I used an EXIT sign scrounged from a dumpster for a previous project.
After cutting it to shape with an ExActo knife and sanding it down to fit (a bitch!) I drilled and countersunk the screw holes, painted the backside white, and glued a layer of aluminum foil to it for RFI rejection. You can see where there's some Ibanez foil tape to transfer ground connection to the plate in the 1st pic.

Step 4 was to find the correct allen wrench and adjust a steel truss-rod inside the neck. After letting the neck "settle" for a day I adjusted it again, then went to work on the bridge to fine-tune the action (string height).

Step 5 = Intonation.
Depending on how high the strings are and what gauge/tension strings you prefer, the bridge saddles have to be moved to shorten or lengthen the vibrating length of each string so it will play in-tune all the way up your neck.
Steps 4 & 5 are an interrelated balancing act that must be performed periodically, and any time you change string gauge or even brand.
Many musicians haven't a clue how to do this, and the ones who also can't afford to pay a professional to do it for them will forever suffer from that "garage band" sound.
You've heard what I'm talking about--chords sound a little "odd" and despite tuning between every song none of the instruments in the band agree on what exactly constitutes a G#. Yuck!
I taught myself these skills when I was 14 and have made a few bucks on the side over the decades since.
It's also a good way to spend quality time with a lot of different instruments and learn their secrets.

I brought the newly Zzakk'd bass to the next gig, and I thought it sounded much better than the one I've been listening to for 19 months.
Longer sustain, no dead notes (F#), less muddy/more even tone.
After one set I was waiting for the old bass to come out of it's case, but it didn't happen.

At the end of the night I was asked to put this one in the case and leave the other one naked.
The photo above is from the next gig and Miz Ibanez Roja again handled the whole night and in fact the other bass was left at home, so I guess my efforts were successful.
Since I prefer this one's sound and will have to listen to it for 24+ hours a month, I'm very happy that the owner is happy.

BTW, I would have charged anyone else $75-100 for the work but I consider stuff like this part of my job.
Yet another step towards being irreplaceable.

Rockstar Academy

2009-10-14T23:24:00.003-05:00

You could do a lot worse than take career advice from Michael Morales.
After all, he's had a hit record.
(A cover of What I Like About You by The Romantics. Repeat--a cover).

And he's a Grammy winning producer, for...I don't know.
Probably a Latin Grammy.

And he's done time for extortion, related to his brother or cousin or somebody running for governor. Blackmailed the opposition and got caught.
State prison teaches you many useful skills.

But the name Rockstar Academy really turns me off.
People love to use that word way too much to suit me.
Some 12 year old kid sings a song and knows three chords, and proud mommy calls them a rockstar.
An 18 year old joins a band and plays a backyard party, they call themselves a rockstar.
But after 29 years in the music business, including several years leading bands that played in front of huge crowds I have never once thought I was one.

Let me break it down:
Bono = Rockstar
Jonas Brothers = Not

Jimmy Page = Rockstar
Miley Cyrus = Not

Gene Simmons = Rockstar
Michael Morales = Not

Slash = Rockstar
Axl Rose = Not

Shirts And Shoes

2009-10-08T04:19:00.003-05:00

How you leave is entirely up to you.
Topless, barefoot, and pregnant would be a good guess.

You've GOT To Be Kidding!

2009-10-04T02:32:00.004-05:00

It's a freaking handtruck.
Two little wheels, some steel tubing, and a flat bit that you scootch under heavy things to move them around using the advantage of leverage.
NOT FOR HIGHWAY USE has got to be the silliest warning label I've seen in 2009.

People who hurt themselves doing dumb shit and then sue should be whipped in public.
What happens to their lawyers, I'll leave open to comments.

Water

2009-09-26T04:58:00.002-05:00

After a good week+ of rain we're looking good for getting Stage II restrictions lifted. The Edwards Aquifer is filling back up at a respectable rate.

This means that fountains get turned back on, and just in time for cooler weather.
You know I'm loving that.

But what's up with this sign at La Cantera?
Doesn't anyone fucking proof-read anymore?

The Correct Amount Of Pee

2009-09-17T00:47:00.003-05:00

Compare and contrast from this post in August.
I take full credit for getting this fixed.

As your intrepid shitcan advert watchdog, it falls on my shoulders to make sure that offensive typos don't ruin your pissing experience.

Thank me with beers so we can keep this project going...

Halloween Is Starting Arrrly

2009-09-07T01:22:00.005-05:00

Spotted this down the street from my brother's garage in Converse.
The beer bottle is an awesome detail.

Apparently it's Pirate Week™ at the Zzakk blogs.
Over at ZZakk's Lab my brother tells stories about modern pirating featuring a picture of one that you may have tried to draw back in the day.

Imrov

2009-09-01T00:24:00.006-05:00

Improv is generally understood as being short for Improvisation but surely the notion that you Improve upon the original is implied?

The table was right where I needed the monitor speaker to be, and moving the table to make room for a big tripod wasn't allowed.
So I improvised a solution: pole out of tripod and into umbrella hole, speaker mounted on pole, situation improved.
The offending table lost none of it's function, yet we could hear the vocals from the direction needed. In fact, having the option of umbrella outside/speaker indoors obviously improves the table's utility and value.

I wasn't the only person who took photos or video.

Trashcan Jellyfish

2009-08-20T01:26:00.004-05:00

I have been calling empty trashcans on windy days (or nights) trashcan jellyfish for years, and always knew I would get a photo and post it here someday.
Usually seen at bus stops when I'm driving past and don't want to bother getting a shot.
This one was at our favorite gas station and I really liked the translucent bag compared to the white ones that VIA uses, so I whipped out my LG EnV2 phone for it's blog debut as a camera.

Thirsty In 78240

2009-08-16T22:04:00.003-05:00

The doorbell woke me up.
When I finally had pants, I also had a picture for Zzakk's Garage.

Going outside, I found the CPS meter reader had disconnected my hose and was drinking from the faucet.
He apologized, and explained that he rang the bell to ask permission, and I assured him that there was no problem and to take his time and cool off as best he could.

Already over 100 degrees that day, it was the least I could do.
The bare minimum.
But I was still half asleep.

Extra Pee

2009-08-10T23:11:00.002-05:00

Typos are one thing, but for ad copy with a major gaffe to make it to print and then get used is not acceptable.

It's just a coincidence that two photos in a row include urinals.
I'm not some creepy guy with a camera hanging around the men's rooms all over town.
Both of these were in bars across the street from each other (another coincidence--like gold, comedy is where you find it) on Broadway.
Last week's was taken after closing, while today's was caught before they opened.

Potty Humor

2009-08-04T00:35:00.003-05:00

I didn't put that bumper sticker in the urinal, but I would have given the chance.

What I also like is the classic additions of a cigarette butt and a wad of gum.
Perfectly authentic, and thankfully there's no barf.
On this particular night the odds weren't good that any toilet in the building would survive without getting some.
I got lucky.

Will It Work?

2009-07-29T17:01:00.001-05:00

Free brush pickup is next week in my neighborhood.

Craig's List: Lefty Instruments

2009-07-14T01:39:00.003-05:00

Here's a Craig's List ad that I found interesting:

We'll hit the typos first:
Sound Gear is a typical typo--the writer was thinking ahead to the G in Gear and dropped it into the D's position.
Losing the 2nd E in Peavey twice was pure dumb, especially since he has the amp right there to double-check.
But I like that he spelled 'cord' correctly.
Most beginners soon learn that muliple notes played at the same time with a musical relationship is called a chord, so when entry-level gear appears for sale it invariably includes a chord instead of the shielded cable with 1/4" plugs the rest of us know as a cord.
Kudos, grasshopper.

What got me was the mention that it was a "right-handed" bass, until I looked at the photos.
Did he flip them 180 degrees to attract attention and be clever, or was this one of those amazing errors that amateur photogs manage to produce somehow?
I don't know, but it struck me as funny.
At least he knew that the first photo was misleading by showing what appears to be a left-handed instrument, so I appreciate the clarification.
We have to assume that it's a right-handed amp, too.

Lefty instruments are an anomaly in the music business.
In the 1980s Aerosmith's Joe Perry played left-handed Fender Strats, followed by his copycats like Warren DeMartini of Ratt and George Lynch of Dokken, attempting to channel the cool factor of Jimi Hendrix who had little choice but to play right-handed Strats flipped over since he was a southpaw.

There are actual tonal and string-response factors that make flipping a Stratocaster the wrong way desirable, but the inconvenience of knobs and switches and output jacks and tuners being on the wrong side means that you have to be pretty hardcore to relearn most operational aspects.

As it is, the numbers of lefty guitars produced are far below the percentage of left-handed people in the population.
Because they require serious manufacturer's effort and cost to produce compared to meager sales, only a very few guitar models (and probably less basses) are ever made left-handed.
They are rare and pricey.

My theory is that lefties are often discouraged when they first try to play guitar since 98% of the ones in stores and among their friends are "normal" and thus are stringed the "wrong" way, so they either quit early or never start at all, which reduces the demand and buying power of this minority.

With drums, you just swap everything to the opposite side.
Keyboards are only made one way--learn it or don't--but at least the controls are still in a logical place so there's no great hardship.
Guitars and basses are hard to find for left-handed people, so I'm not surprised that this craigslister with the oddly-flipped photos made sure to specify that the instrument was a righty, to avoid the waves of disappointed minor league pitchers who might have wasted his time responding to the ad.

Abbey Road & Evergreen Terrace

2009-07-01T22:48:00.003-05:00

I don't remember where I found this, but it's a gem!
Taken mere seconds before the iconic Abbey Road album cover photo, complete with anonymous onlookers.

Marge was always a Ringo fan, but I don't see any other connections as to how they chose which Beatle the other Simpsons would portray.

Any ideas?

What's In The Colonel's Garage?

2009-06-28T22:41:00.002-05:00

I recently got the chance to peek into someone else's garage and take pictures of their stuff.

I remember hand drills like this, before DeWalt and Black And Decker perfected rechargeable electric ones.
In fact, there was a small DeWalt with it's battery on it's charger nearby, but it's nice to see that this old tool was kept.

Wow! I have never seen another one of these before now.
Zzakk's Garage has had one since I was a baby.

Hoax Or Not?

2009-06-09T00:09:00.001-05:00

I can't decide if this is real, but hope it is.
$29.95

Here's Your Titty Shot!

2009-05-29T02:40:00.004-05:00

The orange paper has an exact copy of the other side of the shot glass.

Back in 1991 when my brother and I owned a screen printing company (that did everything but T-shirts) we used to make personal items from time to time.
I handled the artwork/typsetting and darkroom, plus made the screens--Ken was in charge of the machinery and tooling (makes perfect sense if you know us) and then we would do the actual printing together.

He had me pirate the art of Patty Melt whipping out her tig old bitties from a Cherry Poptart adult comic, and we shipped a couple of the shot glasses to Larry Welz (the comic's author) who then sent us the original and never-seen-before-now drawing that's in the frame.

I put milk in the glass so our printing would be legible in the photo, then drank it.
Probably the only time I have tasted white milk since we made the shotglass 18 years ago.

Do You Sudoku?

2009-05-22T00:27:00.001-05:00

My previous best was 5 minutes.
Beat that time by 4 seconds and did a screenshot just like this, then tried again.

Amphi-Jerk

2009-05-13T15:50:00.002-05:00

I had just potted these flowers the night before.
By morning this toad had moved in.

He's lucky I didn't feed him to my snake.

Quiz Time

2009-05-03T00:48:00.000-05:00

I don't remember where I found this online, or for that matter where I put my Star Fleet book with documents including fold-out blueprints for the ship...

Where is the transporter room?

Frenzy Art

2009-04-24T23:25:00.003-05:00

This awesome switchplate was a gift from Selma M.
She comments on my blogs, drinks tequila with me, makes me laugh, flings corn and mashed potatos onto my shirt, and cries when I give her the perfect photo.
Selma has more of my prints than anyone else.

Apparently she saw this in some funky shop near Dallas and knew I would love it, and man was she right.
Firstly, I've been really into skulls for the last few years, especially Mexican Day Of The Dead imagery.
When she gave it to me I had just been offered my dream job of playing bass with my favorite local musicians and what do you know?
The mohawked skeleton is playing a bass.
Plus there are stage lights (another big thing with me) and a cool coffin guitar case.
When my new band starts doing gigs I won't be wearing shorts, but who wants to bet against me having my first-ever mohawk?

I have it on the light/ceiling fan switch 6 feet to my right, so I can see it all the time.
Thanks, Selma!!!
You nailed me with this suprise gift.

"Frenzy Art is Functional Art & Diabolical Gifts Celebrating the Mexican Day of the Dead (...& every other day).
Frenzy Art comes from the mind of artist Ladislao Loera."

I don't have any contact info, but Google shouldn't have any trouble.

Enchilagna

2009-04-21T18:05:00.003-05:00

I'm going to assume that you already know how to make enchiladas.
We took a pound of 90/10 ground beef plus all the other usual ingredients like onions, grated cheese and enchilada sauce, then made a layered casserole just like you would prepare lasagna, in a 9x9" Pyrex dish.
(I'm also assuming you have a passing aquaintance with the structure of lasagna).

Cutting the corn tortillas in half makes it easier to get their edges to cooperate with a square pan.

The main thing is that you don't have to fry the tortillas, or fill and roll them.
This cuts out a ton of prep time, so you're saying "Mmmm...oh my God...more!!!" at least half an hour sooner and the taste is pretty much the same.

Using tortillas that haven't been fried means less grease, which is good for you.

Bat Bombs

2009-04-15T00:39:00.002-05:00

This is a little weird, taking a screenshot from my own website to provide content for one of my others.

And during WWI a batcave on Cibolo Creek was a guano mine (bat poop) because the stuff has lots of nitrogen and phosphorous.
Nowadays it's sold as fertilizer and mosquito repellent, but back then they used it to make gunpowder and grenades or something like that.

The cave I'm talking about (I've seen WWI-era photos and it's the same one) was behind our 'hood and we played there all the time.
At age 6 or seven I was sitting in the rear entrance talking to another boy, then decided to see what my little gang decided on for a password. They had started a fire with my matches and were kicking the burning sticks through a hole into the bat's part of the cave.

We heard a loud noise.

Returning to the rear entrance I saw that a boulder the size of a dorm room fridge had come loose from above and was now sitting right where I had been minutes before.
Would have flattened me, with nothing but my Levis and Keds sticking out.
I returned a dozen years later and the big rock was still there.
5 years after that it was gone--due to erosion it broke loose and rolled out the main entrance to land in the creek bed, breaking into smaller chunks.

So yeah--me and the bats go way back.

I used to collect their bones from the limestone powder on the floor of a smaller cave nearby, but never could get a complete skeleton. This other cave has been hidden for decades and I doubt today's wild boys even know it exists.

Fun With Craig'sList

2009-04-10T01:24:00.003-05:00

If you don't poke around Craig'sList every once in a while, you're missing out.
I hate eBay and refuse to go there--arbitrary PayPal Nazi tactics are only one of the reasons.
But Craig'sList is local and personal, like the newspaper classified ads but online.
Unless you really want something from another city's listings, just cruise the local ads and if something looks good meet the seller in a Denny's parking lot and make the deal, or get stabbed for your wallet and car.

Here's an ad upon which I desire to comment:

First, we have a seller with some flair--the "min.... ol...... ta!" bit is funny.
Do you think he actually knows that over the last 6 months new Sony DSLR owners (like myslef) have driven the demand and price of used Minolta lenses through the roof? Had I bought the lens I wanted in 2008 I could have saved a bundle--now I can just forget about it. The days of cheap Minolta glass that fits the new Sony's is over.
Or is it?
This seller is throwing out a body, flash, and 3 lenses for just $200.
The big lens on the lower left I don't need, but the one upper-middle looks like something that is very popular right now, and at this price should make my wallet sweat.

But let's move on to the camera body--"The shutter button broke" is an understatement. Looks to me like the shutter button exploded and took out some nearby nuns with the shrapnel.
I'm also seeing a standard hotshoe on top of the body--just how old IS this thing?
Every Minolta (and Sony) I've seen uses something that couldn't be more different from what everyone else uses.

Let's look at some of the other photos in this ad:
Yeah, it looks like the shutter button "broke" alright.
I love his comment about how if you can find the part it will be a cheap fix.
The part(s) are no longer available anywhere except mounted correctly in other used cameras, so barring a lucky yard sale find you'll be shit out of luck.
Write this body down as 'No Sale'.

Another view of the busted shutter button, but at least we can see the quality of the included lens caps.
Awesome!

Can't make out the flash's model number/name here.

Seeing a pattern?
Despite his claim to know what all this stuff is worth (so you don't try to rip him off) this seller clearly doesn't know shit about anything.

The other two "apartment balcony over the car port" photos are just as blurry as the ones I've posted here.
If our knowledgeable seller is using a digital point and shoot camera, he doesn't know about the button with the little flower icon that tells the camera to try and focus really close-up.
If he's using a modern digital SLR, he's clueless about both the minimum focus distance for his lens and the need to "chimp" pictures you've taken to make sure they are exposed and focused correctly.

I wouldn't buy seven quarters for a dollar from this idiot.

The ads for musical gear on Craig'sList can be just as 'tarded.
I'm keeping an eye out for the gems worth posting here.

Chimping is a photographer's technical term meaning to look at the LCD screen while reviewing the shot(s) you just took, then making ape faces and sounds when the results are good.
I once spent an entire downtown street fair shooting nothing but other chimpers--it was a great series that will never be seen.

Sony's New Crap

2009-04-06T20:30:00.002-05:00

Warning--Not Work-Safe!!
Don't click on the video below if multiple F-bombs aren't welcome.

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Please Don't...

2009-04-05T20:08:00.001-05:00

...try those jeans on right there.

X-Treme Impact Church

2009-03-29T22:29:00.002-05:00

Just noticed this place near our neighborhood.
I refuse to do any research to find out more about their beliefs.
Highly doubt anything they might say could elicit a positive response from me, and ridiculing a religion isn't nice.
So I'm keeping quiet.

Recipe For Disaster

2009-03-24T23:16:00.005-05:00

First, get yourself some little jars that can seal up tight--these are probably around 4 ounces.
Next, get someone to smuggle banned Belgian schnapps into the US for you.
160 proof works best. Wasn't told the name--sorry I can't supply this important info. Just mix Everclear with a little Hawaiian Punch or something--it won't matter.
Cut apples into little chunks and put them in the jars.
Add the illegal schnapps.
Put them in your refrigerator to soak for 24-48 hours. All the alcohol goes into the fruit while making it soft.
Use rubber bands to attach toothpicks to the jars for easy snacking.
Hand them out freely in a small-town rock/hick bar.

The very first apple chunk will make your entire mouth numb.
Every one after that detaches an important part of your brain while raising your body temp to the redline.
I ate three and tried to pick a fight with some local douche.
The last fight I started was well over 30 years ago, so yeah--not my proudest moment.

But I would try it again, but only at home if I was having trouble sleeping (or blogging).
Or had a toothache.

The Aggiemobile

2009-03-22T00:59:00.001-05:00

What Coldplay is to rock music, the Aggiemobile is to performance bikes.

Mr. Fix It 2

2009-03-16T02:20:00.003-05:00

This was last week's big project.
Cleaning the optical pathways on half of the bands rear lights.
They have seen a few years of use in smoky nasty clubs plus a few more years of dusty garage storage, resulting in major loss of light compared to when they were new.

It required the removal of 1 large wingscrew and washer, 5 top access screws, 3 bolts to remove the color wheel module, 2 thumbscrews to take off the lamp access panel, 2 bolts to remove the color wheel from it's stepper motor shaft, and one each thumbscrew and nut/bolt set for the adjustable lens module, for a total of 15 Philips™ head actuations.

The adjustable lens (already removed in the photo) needed cleaning on both sides, as did the other small lens pointed at in the color wheel section.
The wheel itself has seven colored glass elements that also need years of schmutz scrubbed off of both sides.
That's a total of 18 lens cleanings per fixture.

I was also able to use the brush attachment on our ElectroLux canister vacuum to get most of the dust buildup off the halogen lamp's cooling fan.

The *Coil is what failed in my personal unit--I finally found the broken solder joint after making the mental connection with the same part breaking loose inside Steve's monitor speaker's crossover network.
Manufacturers apparently don't make allowances for the inertia of heavier parts in equipment that might get dropped or slammed around--I keep finding big heavy coils like this "secured" using one or 2 cable ties and soldered directly to the circuit board (the break-point) instead of being located separately with a wiring harness or just bolted down solidly.
If you have sound or light road-gear that has failed, check the solder joints of your coils first--it's a proven weak point.

With 9 lenses/gels that have 2 sides each per unit, in this Mr. Fix It episode I took care of 6 light fixtures for 108 total lens cleanings and 90 screws/bolts taken out and put back in.
Correctly, I might add.

There are three more of these lights that need service, and since the time per fixture is now under 20 minutes due to experience I can knock them out in an hour if there aren't any other issues that need my attention.
Which means that one of the next three has some major problem that adds a few trips to part suppliers and lots of TLC.
Because nothing is ever easy...

Now you know why I added a type-arrow to my aspirin bottle.

What's the deal with a nightlight plugged into the GFI outlet, you ask?
Ground Fault Interruptor outlets are mandated in the USA for all new construction/replacement near water like my kitchen sink seen here.
They can save your life, but will trip at the slightest provocation sometimes so I use the nightlight to verify that my AC power is still active whenever I'm working on suspect gear.
Same with battery chargers in this outlet--sometimes the GFI trips off when plugging-in so I like to have a visual confirmation that the AC is on.

Mr. Fix It

2009-03-11T18:54:00.002-05:00

The show must go on.
So if something breaks, it falls on me to get it working again.
Sometimes I use my faith-healing powers--I open whatever is busted and touch things inside it. This works 90% of the time--seriously!

On this occasion the guitarist's main effects pedal had a footswitch come apart, and I had to tear it all the way apart to put the switch back together.
I still had time left on our break to piss.

They Eat Mayo In Korea?

2009-03-08T23:03:00.003-05:00

One of several reasons I never buy food at Big Lots, Dollar Tree, etc.

We forgot to check the label to see if it had Fish Head Extract.

The CIG to PBG

2009-03-02T02:29:00.003-06:00

What cracked me up about this book I found at Borders was the old joke about bass players not being smart enough to master 6 strings and playing chords, so they settle for 4 strings and play one at a time...just to meet girls.
Or the other joke that you have to be an idiot to want to play bass--most bassists end up there by sucking at everything else.

Q: How many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Nobody knows--bass players are so lazy they would rather just sit in the dark.

or
A: Just one, but you have to wait until he steals a lightbulb.
And some toilet paper while he's at it.

or
A: Just one, but a guitar player showed him how.

or
A: "Fuck that--it's the crew's job".

or
A: 3

or
A: Back in 1985 it's rumored that a bass player did it all by himself, but then had to visit the ER to get the bulb removed from his ass.

or
A: The only one who ever tried it knocked the lamp over, then threw up on it, starting a fire.
New band policy dictates that the bassist isn't allowed anywhere near electrical devices without supervision.

or
A: "Screw in a lightbulb? That sounds hard. I have trouble screwing in a Cadillac!"

I can keep this up for days...and only one of them is old material.
I'm even funnier in-person.

What's great about this book cover is the placement of the third (ring) finger--when slopped-over the fret like that you're guaranteed to have a dead note that doesn't ring for shit.
Typical.

And before anyone gets their panties in a bunch, I'd like to point out that while I was known as a lead guitarist I have always been a bassist, too.
Just waiting for Craig'sList to cough-up a Fender Squier Jazz Bass that's got crazy sustain and a good price so I can hit the stage again with a side-gig on weeknights.
I miss playing for people, but all of the BS associated with playing guitar professionally (like effects pedals and endless varieties of tones and distortion levels) made 6-string art more of a chore than a joy.
I yearn for the simplicity of finding one great instrument and matching it to the perfect amp, then just concentrating on tone and hitting the right notes at the right time while failing to look cool.

Some Creed, For Those Who Miss Them

2009-02-24T16:17:00.001-06:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

boost makes you stupid

2009-02-23T02:46:00.002-06:00

Oh--I must have been mistaken.

Or was I?

All Hail Zzakk's Garage Post #301

2009-02-17T02:31:00.009-06:00

One of those storms that's unlike anything I've seen previously.
A long front--by the time the sucker hit us it had suddenly developed into a line that spanned three big Texas counties, but was so thin that the hail, rain and high winds only lasted for 15-20 minutes or so.
Should have made a screen-grab of the radar--never seen white on the Nexlab Mosaic Animation before.

Hail is fun when it isn't dangerous. Our metal patio roof sounded like a bad drummer who only uses the snare and tunes it really high.
I love how the TV weather dorks always use something dumb to help their viewers visualize the size of hail--as if they've never used a ruler before.
Then again, the general public isn't as swift as my readers :)

"Pea-sized hail" makes me think it's yellow, too.
"Baseball-sized hail" is bigger than pool ball hail, but is it heavier?
Apparently there's no such thing as hail-sized hail, yet every single hailstone is exactly that.
(Don't think about it too much or you'll freak out, ya damn dirty hippies!)

I used the classic quarter comparison, since it was in my pocket and has become the blogging standard.

A neighbor was out watching from the front porch, too.
Her awesome yelled advice was to "Put your cars in the garage!"
Okayyy...thanks?
Like we're too stupid to think of that ourselves?
Would've been the first thing we did instead of taking pictures had Zzakk's actual Garage not been too busy holding bikes and tools and other extra junk, listening to Iron Maiden, making out with that slutty 3-car garage from the next street over, and getting into my vodka.

The older Honda is a faded stealthy ripper that revels in it's ugliness (and redlight purchase offers) while the newer one saved us at least 3 grand by already having hail damage that you can only see when the moon is full.

Our position is that "Acts of God" are muy bien.

T'anks For The Snake

2009-02-11T02:12:00.009-06:00

Another picture of a neighbor's pile of crap--sorry.

Here's why this one is funny:
When an albino corn snake named Candy Corn wandered into our yard and joined the family back in March, we wondered just where in the heck she came from.

Here are the "facts" as I pieced them together at the time:
A) She was someone's pet.
There are no corn snakes in the wild here besides the Baird's Rat Snake which is mostly gray.
Albino corns are just one of many color "morphs" that are popular in the pet industry. Breeders work hard at producing a rainbow of interesting colors in this excellent pet species--just Google "corn snake breeder" to see them for yourself.
Personally, I like the standard color they are supposed to be but albinos like Candy are possibly the prettiest snake I have ever seen.
So she was definitely store-bought.

B) She lived nearby--within a street or two in our typical suburban subdivision.
I knew this because she was well-fed and uninjured.
A pet snake is usually rather poor at hunting, and they are also prone to getting into dustups with cats and dogs because they don't know to avoid them.
Candy was perfect, so she hadn't travel far and wasn't on her own for more than a few days. I could tell that she had last been fed between 10 and twenty days before finding her--hungry but not skinny.

C) Her home had kids--probably 'tween to teen.
Older kids are the most likely to want a pretty pet snake, and also the most likely to let them escape.
Rock and roll guys like me are also prime candidates, but with very few exceptions our neighborhood is populated with retired people.
Just a few families have kids, and only ONE on our street.

We're getting close, but no proof yet.

Until I saw the "20 gallon long" aquarium with screen top seen above, sitting in the trash pile of my prime suspects!
The exact type of tank and lid that the sales staff at PetCo™ would sell to novice snake owners along with a baby corn snake.
(Usually in-stock for $40 BTW--they're so cute!)

There was plastic foliage plus a wood hiding place that are also perfect matches for my owner profile inside the aquarium. Definitely a snake's tank, from a novice.
A family of reptile newbs would shop at PetCo, not knowing that the locally owned shops that specialize in exotic pets have better equipment and better advice.
Equipment and advice that might help you prevent your snake from escaping!

That screen top sort of clips on top of the aquarium, and would have been fine for a year or two.
But once Candy got around 3+ feet long she had more than enough length to apply some serious leverage against that flimsy thing. A 20 gallon long tank isn't very tall, so she was able to rise up and bust her way out.

I keep her in a 20 gallon "tall" with a solid oak screen top I made myself years ago that's held down with stout rubber bungees. Candy tries to get out sometimes when she's hungry but can't budge my hardware one bit.
Just seeing how big and strong she was made the tall aquarium my first choice despite the greater real estate a "long" has for slithering about and getting snakey.

"The missing snake never turned up after escaping in March--just admit that you kids screwed the pooch and lost it. We're throwing out the tank since it's just taking up space, and there's no way we're spending money on another snake since y'all can't take care of them properly".
I've listened to the mom of this family enough times to know that I pretty much channelled their discussion.
Omitted the "But MOMMMM"s because I don't like to quote children.
Makes them uppity.

So the tank is the key to unlocking this puzzle of where Candy came from.
In fact, I half-suspected that it would show up this week seeing as how the last trash day was too soon after the escape for them to give up on finding her.
I got very excited when I saw it, and after explaining my "solution" to Sylvia was glowing with pride at how I had Sherlock'd the fuck out of this mystery.

But then Candy's new mommy asked me a very intelligent question: "How did she get out of their house?"

Shit.
Give me a minute...

3 kids, who leave doors open...?
Yeah, when feeding all those weiner dogs that bark and escape all the time.
Weiner dogs....and the mom is ALWAYS busy outside cleaning, landscaping, washing their trailer, moving the basketball goal, leaving the Suburban's doors open, chasing weiner dogs, and every other damn thing besides sitting on the couch watching Oprah like she should. (They don't have cable, BTW. Another story for another time)

Too busy to let the dogs in and out when the brats are at school....
Weiner dogs...

Got it yet?

The snake escaped through their doggy-door!

And hauled ass tightly around the house heading for the front yard since it's a shorter and less vulnerable route out of a backyard full of smelly barking jackasses.
Then made a bee-line for the exact spot where she currently lives, discovered just 8 feet short of her goal.
Destiny.

Zzakk for the win!

Am I a jerk for not giving back the snake now that I've deduced it's original home?

No
If you can't keep your exotic pets safely and successfully, you don't deserve them.
And Candy made a bee-line for the one person in this 'hood who could best care for her, instead of cutting her head off with a shovel.
I feel like she made her own choice of caretaker.

Besides, the trash men picked up the tank this morning so she would have no place to live in their house.

Sex On The Couch

2009-02-07T00:12:00.003-06:00

It's time for free city collection of over-sized crap and tree-trimmings again in this Zzakk's 'hood.
Scavengers are making the rounds picking piles clean of anything worth a buck, so catching fun pics is more a matter of timing than anything else.

(Beatles Line 2)...it's been a hard day's night and I've been sleeping like a log...

Hooray Beer!

2009-01-29T01:12:00.005-06:00

Not much you can add to that message.

The lights actually ran a clock-wise chase pattern around the sign, but the long exposure necessary rendered a full-on effect which probably works better anyway.
I offered to take it home and replace the 4 dead LEDs, but for some reason they weren't interested.

Some people aren't as dumb as they look...

Zzakk's Garage Hits 15,000

And I was lucky enough to catch the moment!

I keep screenshots of all the major milestones on my main blogs, but usually miss them by several digits.

Please, Do NOT Let Go!

2009-01-22T22:47:00.006-06:00

Seen on the loooooong and steep entrance to Target at DeZavala and IH10.

Reminds me of the time my brother and I were coming down a hill that was several miles long on the highway into Colorado Springs, 1987.
A car was parked on the shoulder, and half a mile down the hill a blind person (cane, shades and all!) was chasing their guide dog.
We wondered at the time if it was a piss break gone wrong, but more importantly who was driving?
I was betting on the dog.

We had driven straight through the night and most of the next day from San Antonio and were a little loopy, but we both saw it.

Thanks JC?

2009-01-20T23:12:00.004-06:00

Ever find yourself looking at what is obviously a vanity plate and being unable to decipher it's message?
Poor planning by illiterates with something to say but no skills at saying it.

This one is easy, so I moved right to the next question:
"Who is this JC they wish to thank"?

It's not to hard to eliminate a few:
Jimmy Carter?
No, Habitat for Humanities doesn't build houses for people who can afford new Cadillacs.

Both of Sylvia's parents are JCs, but I think a 'thank you' phone call or visit would be cheaper and easier.

Phoebe on Friends?
She only thinks her initials are JC.
(JC Banana Hammock?)

Jiminy Cricket?
Nahhh...what's he done for anyone lately?

Former Texas Governor (the late) John Connolly?
"Thanks for taking a bullet, but couldn't you have been in the back seat instead?"
Not Cool.
Sorry.

Actor Jack Cassidy (father of David and Shaun)?
Hmmm...an aged former teenybopper thanks sperm donor/absentee father who burned to death while probably drunk?
No way.

These are just off the top of my head.
With Google I could keep this up for hours.

There is only one answer that makes sense:Jenny Craig!

A cute little white caddy parked very close to Ann Taylor and Victoria's Secret, among other places that cater to well-heeled petites and newly petites?
Bingo!

I wouldn't mind being wrong, but the most obvious answer isn't funny.
It's just nice.

Any other contenders you can think of?

Lindsay Lohan Sighting

2009-01-14T23:59:00.003-06:00

You never know when or where you'll see a celebrity--even when shopping at Target.

Get it?

The 8th Dwarf?

2009-01-10T05:06:00.004-06:00

Drinky, Sleazy, Douchebag, Throw-Up, Wussy, Stinky, Wanker, and introducing:
Mopey.

Assistant video boy, hair tugger, zit farmer, nincompoop.
Never saw his eyes, never heard a word, never saw any initiative except for when he was bootlegging my band's performance, as seen here.
I guess Chrissy got him half-hard (all that can be expected) but she's twice the man he'll ever be.
Also never saw him in a situation that mattered where the cam didn't get taken away by his boss.
So sad...

I'm not cruel by nature, but haven't we all been exposed to someone who just made you want to stand on their neck until something pops?
Mopey wasn't interested in improving, which is the greatest sin of all.

January 1st Shopping Crisis

2009-01-03T15:37:00.003-06:00

Looking to score some some bargains on Christmas junk for next year, we went to Target after a late breakfast.
I had to pee really bad, but figured that with TWO crews the plumbing would be fixed in no time at all.
I was wrong, and it sucked.
Didn't buy anything, then whizzed to Academy.
(And at Academy).

Whoever killed the men's room at Target (1604/Blanco), next time please stay home and nuke your own damn toilet.
Thank you.
(I hope it hurt).

In the days of my youth...

2009-01-01T20:51:00.004-06:00

...I was told what it means to be a man.

These wacky kids today, with their strange new ways.
Back when WE were young, we didn't....oh wait.

Yes, we did.
Only better.

Just In Case...

2008-12-07T05:00:00.006-06:00

...you don't visit the photoblog where I post pics and commentary for the three bands that I work with, here's a tasty shot using wireless remote flash and some bonus cigarette smoke from the drunk chicks that spiked local sales figures of Michelob Ultra tonight.

Lucky Strikes Again

2008-11-29T18:04:00.004-06:00

That crazy cat was sleeping near our driveway, all tired out from hunting and killing this big old rat.

Lucky/Not Lucky

2008-11-23T05:26:00.005-06:00

On the way out of the house looking for breakfast I saw enough feathers to make me think of a pillow fight gone bad. Spotting the pretty but dead woodpecker I said "Oh crap!" out loud and within seconds heard the familiar voice of Lucky, one of the many cats who live on our street.

Out of all the kitties around here, this guy is the only one who not only doesn't run away but actually comes up to me for attention.
LOTS of attention, and he never shuts up!

Being a life-long "cat person" I was frustrated for years by the skittish pussies on our street, so after making Lucky's aquaintance I actually bought a can of treats to give my new buddy whenever we crossed paths, and I guess the dead bird was his way of returning the favor in this Thanksgiving season.

You can see the hunter in him.
I was a little bummed that such a pretty woodpecker died on my driveway or porch or sidewalk (feathers are everywhere!) but such is the circle of life.
(Edit: This was a male Golden Fronted Woodpecker, and a real fine example at that. I saw him the day before hanging upside-down from our patio timbers looking for lunch in the form of ants and the bumblebees that live in big holes.)

Here's the funny part:
Around Halloween I found a familiar red cat collar on the driveway behind my car, and brought it inside.
Over a week later I hung out with Lucky for a few minutes and remembering the collar (partially seen in photo #1) fetched it and hooked him back up.
My hope was that his owners would be completely mystified as to how this goofy cat managed to not only find it again but also put it back on by himself!

It was one of those pranks where you don't get to witness the results, but it still gives you a warm feeling of satisfaction and makes for a good story.

Blogger, Your Ass Is Showing

2008-11-10T23:31:00.004-06:00

First, the picture:
When I go out in public, I wear pants and shoes and a shirt, minimum.
And should I need to put air in my tires or anything else that requires my hands to be near the ground, I crouch, kneel, sit...whatever gets the job done while retaining a shred of dignity.
An ass covered with a thin layer of shorts isn't dignified, and can start a fight when aimed at you.
I was disgusted.

As for the title of this post:
Blogger's post editor/composer isn't working with my Opera browser, yet again.
I suppose they made some recent "improvements" because that's always the first sign of trouble for those of us in the minority.
No movie upload button, no blockquote button, nor bold, italic, or even 'insert link'.
No compose mode, either.
The title box moves into the body of the post randomly.
Other than that it's just great!
I hate having to use Firefox just to put up a blog post correctly.

I hate MySpace, too.
What a mess!
Can't remember a single time when MySpace actually worked without major problems.
404 errors, having to log-in twice, not staying logged-in even though the 'remember me' box is checked, being sent to MySpace Mobile for no reason, pictures that don't load, audio that only plays 10% of the time, complete browser freeze-ups, pages that take 10 minutes to scroll all the way down (I'll admit, this one is likely due to 3rd party page apps and codemonkey dillholes that throw too much crap onto the page).
But seriously, has anyone EVER gotten through a session at MySpace without something random and stupid happening?

So why do I still use it?
It's part of my job description.
Blogging is better, so I guess I'll shut up about the minor irritations that affect Blogger every few months--at least is isn't 24/365.

Time For a Dozen Beers

2008-11-04T23:15:00.004-06:00

Beer is the only way to cope with all the losing going on around here.
First The Spurs vs. Dallas, then...

My main point, America, is that those who don't study history are doomed to repeat it.
And those who don't take real human nature into account when dreaming up "new ideas" and "change" will always be surprised when it doesn't work.
Ronald Reagan proved many things during his years in the White House, and so did Clinton and dos Bushes.
Those lessons (good AND bad) are being ignored, at our peril.

I have read the candidate's words from way before they started running for President.
Either way it wasn't a great choice, but we're well and truly fucked now.

History will repeat itself:
Gas prices will go back up again starting.......right now.
The economy will weaken even more than it has recently because amateurs are in power and the people who have the most to lose are going to play it safe.
Jobless rates will rise.
Our enemies will get stronger.
Terrorists will again hit us on our own soil.
Mark my words--I've been watching this shit since Obama was wearing diapers and a charismatic desire for "change" means nothing.
It's a rough world out there, and now we're the biggest pussies on the block again.

At least it isn't Hillary.
I doubt Obama will play any bullshit games like those that resulted in the Randy Weaver travesty, the Waco mass murder, and the Oklahoma City bombing that was a direct result of them. The Clintons hated/feared guns so much that hundreds of innocent people died and the blood is still on their hands.
Any elected official that fears guns in the hands of honest citizens is not to be trusted. (You take them away from criminals, not good upstanding Americans, stupid).

Read the words of our founding fathers--not the usual stuff, but the books and essays and letters they wrote--when they spoke from the heart and mind. All of that stuff still makes sense today and still works as the single best system of government.

I need another beer...

Some Things I Don't Want To Know

2008-10-29T18:25:00.003-05:00

One defining thing about me is that I have an insatiable curiosity, and a true need to solve the puzzles that confront me when out in the world.
When I see something odd, my immediate reaction is to start gathering clues and formulating an explanation that fits them.
I then turn this into a story that's worth a few laughs, more often than not.
If I happen to have a picture, it usually ends up here on Zzakk's Garage.

Not this time.

Finding pants in a portapotty is certainly odd, but in this case I'm not curious enough to look for clues.
The only logical explanation involves some guy crapping his pants in public, so the investigation stopped before it started.

Stencil Graffiti Time Again

2008-10-14T22:59:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time since I brought you stencil graffiti.
I really like this one.

Previous examples:
June 2006
August 2005
October 2050
January 2006
March 2007

Ride To The Poor House?

2008-10-08T21:56:00.004-05:00

24-hour Veterinary Clinics are a sure way to end up with a dead pet and a bill that'll require a 2nd mortgage for most people.

Add a pet ambulance charge and you might as well bring the pink slip to your car along, although if you have a car why are you calling an ambulance?
They have to drive twice as far and I'm pretty sure that using a siren and speeding isn't allowed, so unless your fat-ass dog needs a defibrulator to re-start it's lazy heart, what can a vet's assistant really do?

Sure, I "love" my snake and guppies, and the dogs and cats before them.
But there's a limit.
Maybe the time I spent on a farm in Tennessee has something to do with my pragmatism?
I have ridden in an ambulance only once despite major car accidents, nearly biting my tongue off (OUCH-and gallons of blood) etc.
Just isn't worth it most of the time.

Much like calling the cops because your husband slapped you--does giving a third party (lawyers, the court) a bunch of money solve the problem?
It's easier and cheaper to just bring him that sandwich...

Mass?

2008-10-03T03:04:00.003-05:00

I don't know if I like "clever" church signs or not.
On the one hand they can be humorous, if you find eight year olds funny.
But they can be a distraction to drivers.

I think I'll just turn the other cheek...

How Does This Happen?

2008-09-25T02:08:00.005-05:00

I stopped in a WalMart parking lot, backed up and then sat there, and didn't get cursed or shot.

And who flips a sign over but doesn't notice?

Photo by SylCan2

HurriShame

2008-09-14T05:11:00.005-05:00

Really? The storm is already in Missouri? I was told it would be right over my house today.
Forget about the $300 in lost wages and bonus beach motel weekend in Corpus Christi, where the hell is a few minutes of rain for my thirsty yard?

Hurricane Ike butt-fucked me and didn't even bring my grass breakfast the next day.

Mustard Frog

2008-09-04T03:28:00.003-05:00

What is the Christmas Frog's off-season job?

Recommending mustard to the singer.